Category: Horoscopes
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March Horoscopes ’26
Written by Julia Cote Art by Christopher Chapman Long time no see, spring chickens! I hope you’ve all survived the two months without your dear astrologer, and still trust the validity of my wisdoms. But if you don’t, that’s your problem. I have a 100% accuracy rate and my ego…
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December ’25 Horoscopes
Written by Julia Cote Art by Lute Campbell Happy holidays, tree toppers and bottoms! Please take these words of advice to heart to avoid disaster this season. Aries: Deck your halls, not your enemies’ faces. We can’t catch a charge before the new year. Taurus: Please take a moment to…
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November Horoscopes ’25
Written by Julia Cote Art by Greta Scheff Happy November, my little Turkeys! How funny is it that just a year ago we still had hope for this country… Anyways, I hope you get some great leaf-crunching in, and of course, Aries: At times such as these, may I suggest…
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October ’25 Horoscopes
Written by Julia Cote Art by Christopher Chapman Happy Spooktober, my little goblins! The stars have answered my calls, and I’m afraid they’ve shown you are all truly deranged. This month, the true horrors are you. Aries: God help the person with whom you need to have a difficult conversation.…
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April ’25 Horoscopes
Written by Julia Cote Art by Greta Scheff Ladies, gents, merpeople, and wizards (that is an all-encompassing term by the way; we don’t say witches unless someone is really hot and spooky like Nicole Kidman in Practical Magic), it is rumored to be Spring. Kiss a bunny and read these…
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March ’25 Horoscopes
Written by Julia Cote Art by Christopher Chapman Watch out for falling icicles, readers! The ice is melting, but are your hearts? Sorry, Gossip Girl is on the mind (RIP Michelle Trachtenberg). Unfold yourselves from the winter and into spring with these genius prophecies. Aries: The historical figure you did…
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February ’25 Horoscopes
Written by Julia Cote Art by Greta Scheff I wearily present myself to you, dear reader, in the hopes that you will forgive me for my absence during January. Alas, I had duties to attend to elsewhere and, in my exhaustion, a haze seemed to cloud the stars. Hopefully, you…
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December ’24 Horoscopes
Written by Julia Cote Art by Christopher Chapman Seasonal Depression! Oh, sorry, I meant Season’s Greetings! Anyway, enjoy this time by focusing on the joy you will feel receiving gifts rather than the economic pain you will feel after buying them for everyone else. Or, rejoice in your atheistic rejection…
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November ’24 Horoscopes
Written by Julia Cote Art by Lute Campbell It’s November! Your hands are dry! A major election may or may not be approaching (it is)! In times of uncertainty, we must look to the sky for answers. Not Little Dipper though; they said some crazy shit about the insurrection. Oh,…
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October Horoscopes
Written by Julia Cote Art by Greta Scheff Yippee! It’s peak millennial cringe season! Put your UGGs on and sip these horoscopes like a PSL. Aries: Wait, don’t go. I didn’t mean that you play dirty. I meant that you play filthy. Don’t come over with an Uno deck anymore. …
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