Written by Julia Cote

Art by Christopher Chapman

Long time no see, spring chickens! I hope you’ve all survived the two months without your dear astrologer, and still trust the validity of my wisdoms. But if you don’t, that’s your problem. I have a 100% accuracy rate and my ego is bigger than a black hole. 

Aries: So sorry to be the one to tell you, but you were actually married to your cousin in a past life. Like, your current, this-life cousin, was previously your non-cousin spouse. You know the one. 

Taurus: It’s a shame you can’t log your AO3 hours on Good Reads. No one appreciates that you basically read the Infinite Jest of smut every week. I can’t say how intellectual the fanfic you read is in comparison, but both are certainly… stimulating. 

Gemini: You possess the power to make a priest cry. Not tears of joy or spiritual enlightenment, obviously. God still can’t sleep with His foot off the bed because He’s afraid you’ll grab Him by the ankle. 

Cancer: Puppies don’t fix everything, but it doesn’t hurt to try. 

Leo: You might want to look into your relationship with substances. And boys with mustaches, since they seem to be your most troubling addiction so far. 

Virgo: You are involved in more cultural psychoses than anyone else. The only means of getting you to see reason are extensive internet detox or jail. It’ll probably be jail. 

Libra: Never stop sending ominous but thoughtful texts to your loved ones, king. Maybe just review your spelling a bit more. 

Scorpio: I’m so sorry you had to see those videos of that orphaned baby monkey getting bullied and running to its stuffed animal for comfort. And that you had to watch it seven more times. No one suffers like you. 

Sagittarius: Clamming is in your future. Get your rake out and practice that wrist-work. 

Capricorn: It’s actually totally normal that you bang your head against things when you’re mad. It’s that goat inside you expressing it’s natural urge to ram things horns-first. 

Aquarius: If you’d like to keep your family name out of the news, you’d better hope Pam Bondi keeps The Files under wraps. Get on your knees and start praying to the DOW!

Pisces: You are as cute as a cartoon worm on a fish hook, with that “you got me!” ass smirk. Too bad I’ll never catch you…