Category: Horoscopes
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August Horoscopes
Written by Julia Cote Art by Greta Scheff It’s August… Your astrologer doesn’t quite know what to say about that, other than why is there so much rain?? but these horoscopes sure say plenty. Aries: It’s not getting down and funky, Aries, it’s a crime. Don’t make me say which…
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July Horoscopes
Written by Julia Cote Art by Greta Scheff and Alisa Kokorovic Alas! The stars and I have come to help you through this month of sweaty thighs sticking to public surfaces and fourteen year old boys running amok at all times of day. Take this information–as well as my advice…
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June Horoscopes
Written by Julia Cote Art by Greta Scheff As your new astrologer, know that I will not be any more merciful than my predecessor. The stars aren’t concerned with your feelings, and neither am I. Nevertheless, welcome to the new regime. Aries: Love the new hair! What does your therapist…
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May Horoscopes
Written by Madeleine Minks Art by Lillian Anderson For my final set of horoscopes, I’ve decided to spare you all a little. Just kidding. There is no mercy in my heart, not even for finals season. Aries: It’s time to start living in the future and adding pockets to your…
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April Horoscopes
Written by Madeleine Minks Art by Nathan Conti Happy spring, dear reader! It may start getting warmer soon (I hope), but my reads on your horoscope will still be frigid! Aries: Buying more flowery vintage dresses will not make you happier, Aries. It will actually make you sadder, considering how…
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March Horoscopes
Written by Madeleine Minks Art by Hadley Rae-Balmes Happy March, dear reader! If you’re looking for a horoscope reading that will spare your dignity, close this tab immediately. I will not spare you. Aries: You need to stop blacking out in a rage and letting out a stream of curses…
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February Horoscopes
Written by Madeleine Minks Art by Justin Bissonette Happy February, folks! Can’t stay warm? Maybe you can settle for getting roasted by your horoscope instead. Aries: For the love of god, stop drinking caffeine. You already run on spite and anxiety. You don’t need it. Taurus: When you’re outside, be…
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January Horoscopes
Written by Madeleine Minks Art by Greta Scheff Happy 2024, dear readers! New year, new…nothing. Don’t lie to yourself. I certainly won’t lie to you. Aries: The days are at their shortest and that means turning to your age-old coping mechanism: getting back into your middle school interests (The editor…
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December Horoscopes
Written by Madeleine Minks Art by Seven Descheneaux Aries: You’re going to keep looping that song that you told yourself that you were going to stop looping. Typical. Taurus: At this point, there is an entire ecosystem growing inside of your water bottle. Please, God, clean it. Or, at this…
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November Horoscopes
Written by Madeleine Minks Art by Seven Descheneaux Aries: For your future self: you need to calm down. Like, seriously. Calm the fuck down. Take like, three deep breaths. Go outside. Eat something green. Not the leaves, you heathen. Something you’re supposed to eat. God. Taurus: Someone you love is…
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