Written by Julia Cote 

Art by Christopher Chapman

Watch out for falling icicles, readers! The ice is melting, but are your hearts? Sorry, Gossip Girl is on the mind (RIP Michelle Trachtenberg). Unfold yourselves from the winter and into spring with these genius prophecies. 

Aries: The historical figure you did a report on in fifth grade + your movie pet peeve = your first born’s name. I bet my kid, Florence Nightingale Leaving Front Doors Unlocked, and yours would be friends. 

Taurus: Yay! You’ve cracked a new food combination! Now spread the good word: everyone needs to hear about cheese, crackers, and pickles. If only we could tell Anthony Bourdain. 

Gemini: It’s time to delete the biggest screen time culprit. 

Cancer: What’s a fur baby? Explain yourself. 

Leo: Reverse Nara Smith: string cheese, Warheads, and Funyuns. 

Virgo: Slippers don’t go outside. The minute they do, they become shoes. And shoes you have to leave by the door. 

Libra: You are so close to being able to inject your Pinterest feed into your bloodstream. Keep trying. Imagine the transformation. 

Scorpio: The desire to watch a 40-minute video essay pertaining to your special interest as a kid  popping up when you have 40-minutes worth of homework to do:

Sagittarius: Lick a piece of ice. 

Capricorn: In the old days, to treat oneself meant to buy a candy bar or a magazine. Apparently today it means doling out destructive behaviors as a reward for keeping up with the good ones. Anyways, enjoy it, and save some for me. 

Aquarius: Are you real? We’ve been getting mixed signals. 

Pisces: You will survive the high school student accusations. It hurts now, but one day you will look back on it fondly. Plus, the average eleven year old girl loiters in a Sephora like you used to do in the mall—no one knows how old anyone is anymore. 

The Male Species: We know you are real, unfortunately. Just kidding. Kind of. Sometimes. Do you guys still watch baseball? Right….