Written by Julia Cote

Art by Lute Campbell

It’s November! Your hands are dry! A major election may or may not be approaching (it is)! In times of uncertainty, we must look to the sky for answers. Not Little Dipper though; they said some crazy shit about the insurrection. Oh, and…

Aries: You know who else is an aries? Dennis Quaid. I might lie about my birthday for a while if I were you. 

Taurus: WOOP WOOP! The passive-aggressive police are here. You are under arrest for your continuous failure to be emotionally communicative. 

Gemini: Your loved ones are tired of only hearing bad news when you call them. Try a bad news sandwich: “My new boots came in today! / There was a really bad car accident on the interstate. / Someone we hate got arrested!” 

Cancer: We are now arriving at Overstimulation Station where you have no choice but to get off. Sorry babes, get the headphones out, maybe chew some gum. 

Leo: Bring tissues. Everywhere. For any situation. You never know what that nose will do. 

Virgo: How much soup is too much? This is a question you might want to start thinking about. 

Libra: That wasn’t an earthquake, the stars were just banging their heads against a wall because you can’t stop lying for fun. 

Scorpio: Amy Winehouse is about to be really big for you. Avoid the name Sam Taylor-Johnson like the plague; greet black eyeliner like a long lost friend. 

Sagittarius: No, I haven’t seen your vape. I have seen you struggling to breathe though. Maybe let the couch cushions have it.

Capricorn: How do you feel about candy corn? No, I’m just wondering. It’s not because of the name…

Aquarius: After all, computers crash, people die, Doc Martens crease. The best we can do is breathe and try not to crouch so much.  

Pisces: Put the Tofurkey down. Nobody wants to see that — sincerely, your vegetarian astrologer.