Written by Julia Cote

Art by Christopher Chapman

Happy Spooktober, my little goblins! The stars have answered my calls, and I’m afraid they’ve shown you are all truly deranged. This month, the true horrors are you. 

Aries: God help the person with whom you need to have a difficult conversation. By the time you ever open your mouth, your argument will have undergone three rounds of revision, with the help of local scholars (the girls). 

Taurus: Unions are great for Starbucks baristas, screen writers, and teachers—not fruit flies. Once they get someone to transcribe the meetings, you might as well be paying for six month maternity leave. Weaken them by any means necessary, Taurus. Yes, even taking out the trash. 

Gemini: I feel you straying from your roots and picking a less slutty Halloween costume this year. Personal growth is an amazing thing, but it is not without pain for those left to mourn a tradition. 

Cancer: No no no no no no no no no NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO

Leo: It’s not worth it to verbally berate the eleven year olds on Dress to Impress who stole your crown. One day, they will know the error of their ways, but as always, that day will come too late. 

Virgo: Don’t let another Trader Joe’s cashier seduce you. Please, the kids are at home. They’d rather lose those little ice cream cones than you. Actually, I might need to fact check that. 

Libra: Man! That little strawberry tattoo really had me going for a while there. I thought you had love and whimsy in your heart. Won’t make that mistake again….

Scorpio: Do you ever think about what we, as a country, have done to frozen yogurt? For the first half of the 2010s we worshipped her, and then once Herbalife turned eighteen we tossed her aside like a cheap whore. 

Sagittarius: DON’T GO IN THERE!!!!!!!!!

Capricorn: Can I just say that I love to see you throw yourself into a hobby? Logistically speaking, however, how long can the human body function on that much banana bread? Eat the banana, don’t become it. 

Aquarius: As Aristotle wisely said, each time man discovers a new favorite cocktail, he sheds the meeker self he used to be in favor of the superior skin underneath. To which I say: imagine where we might be today if only they had mojitos back then. 

Pisces: Plato said that Pisces individuals are good most of the time, but have evil within them and must pay to get into heaven. Buying friends little treats and such is a great way to start.