Written by Julia Cote

Art by Greta Scheff

I wearily present myself to you, dear reader, in the hopes that you will forgive me for my absence during January. Alas, I had duties to attend to elsewhere and, in my exhaustion, a haze seemed to cloud the stars. Hopefully, you all survived. But forgiveness and survival be damned, there are horoscopes to be read. 

Aries: You are the overprotective boyfriend I’m afraid to tell about the car-wash workers who were mean to me (because I was too stupid to put my car in neutral at the correct time). Well, here I am telling you. Defend my honor or whatever. 

Taurus: Clinicians are befuddled by you. I would never discourage anyone from registering as an organ donor, but just know they may be taking a look while they’re in there. Surely, specialists will be called. 

Gemini: Just because your friends give you permission to spoil something for them, doesn’t mean you should. Perhaps your burning desire to spoil is so apparent that they just don’t have the heart to turn you down. Think of others for a change and leave them with a surprise ending. 

Cancer: Mama didn’t raise no bitch, but she did raise a crybaby. A prolonged lip tremble doesn’t look good on anyone, but post-cry lips look fantastic on most. 

Leo: While masking your true pain with a funny little post to your close-friends story is an art, it is a dangerous one. The sincerity epidemic is raging, and I think we’ve found ourselves a super-spreader. 

Virgo: Some might say it’s suspicious that you are more willing to cook for your cat than you are for yourself, but I wouldn’t. Bring out the wagyu, baby. The Cheezits will be there when you’re done. 

Libra: Why did you get rid of all your YA books from when you were a tween, Libra?! Why??? What happens when you remember a specific scene from Catching Fire and can’t flip to it at ease? You’ll never find it online. Trust me. 

Scorpio: Something about you is very Nicole Kidman. 

Sagittarius: New year, new you. Let this be the year of friendship, Sagittarius, of platonic bonds! Seriously, platonic bonds. And no, you can’t flirt with your friends. 

Capricorn: There’s a hole in the crotch of your jeans. Ha, made you look. Although maybe there actually is, I don’t know, I’m not looking at people’s crotches. 

Aquarius: If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask for a glass of milk. If you give a Sagittarius the chance to flirt, they’ll flirt. Be rude if you have to, and stay vigilant, Aquarius! You may not survive another Sagittarius tryst…

Pisces: More maxi-skirts on you, please. The world needs some magic right now.