Written by Julia Cote
Art by Christopher Chapman
Seasonal Depression! Oh, sorry, I meant Season’s Greetings!
Anyway, enjoy this time by focusing on the joy you will feel receiving gifts rather than the economic pain you will feel after buying them for everyone else. Or, rejoice in your atheistic rejection of capitalism-masquerading-as-religion! Whatever you want, just keep your *real* Christmas tree snobbery to yourselves. Some of us were traumatized by a mice infestation in childhood and now fear rodents hiding in the pine needles.
Aries: The girls are fighting! It’s your mental illness and the medications prescribed for aforementioned illness. All that matters is that you keep both in the ring and occasionally give the girl you’re rooting for a little extra juice.
Taurus: Stop expecting your cat to protect you from harm. They may growl at the FedEx guy, but if he actually entered the room, they would use you as a shield against his little tablet thing. And they aren’t swatting those spiders, they’re petting them.
Gemini: No, the person sitting next to you in class isn’t having a seizure, your aggressive leg bouncing is shaking the ground beneath them. This anxietyquake has a magnitude of 7.8! Aftershocks are rumored to be in the threes…
Cancer: Your ability to refrain from provoking your family members this holiday is as thin as the ice Amy March went skating on. We all know how that went. Then again, she ended up marrying the guy who saved her from the freezing water, so maybe keep it up.
Leo: At some point, there will be two paths diverging from a yellowwood. in a yellow wood. And then you will start thinking about something else and go on your phone.
Virgo: Trader Joe’s will never be easy, nor should it be. Load your cart, keep to the right, and raise your reusable bags—cause baby, love is war.
Libra: The biggest fight you will ever have with the love of your life will start with soup. Sip or slurp, chew or chomp, the choice is yours. The result is unknowable (except to me, but I can’t tell you because of butterfly-effect-stuff).
Scorpio: You seem to think a lotttt of things go in salads that ought not to. What’s next, Fritos? Gladiator (2000) on Blu Ray? Give me a break…..
Sagittarius: You don’t wanna talk about those 2016 brows of yours? Fine. But we have the photos. We’ll be seeing you in court.
Capricorn: Please don’t listen to anything that Taurus has to say. You simply can’t afford to. The last time you did, you were out $75.
Aquarius: The kids table sounds real good right about now, huh? All those years of begging to be with the adults, and now here you are listening to that one Uncle talk about you-know-who.
Pisces: There are two kinds of people in this life: those who fight their relatives, and those who record it. You get to decide your own fate.