Written by Julia Cote

Art by Greta Scheff

Happy November, my little Turkeys! How funny is it that just a year ago we still had hope for this country… Anyways, I hope you get some great leaf-crunching in, and of course, 

Aries: At times such as these, may I suggest curling up into a ball and listening to your favorite band from when you were fourteen?

Taurus: Phan¹ being confirmed is great and all but you still need to go to classes and work and, you know, be a real member of society. Fangirling can only get you so far. Also, the non-phannies in your life are very close to putting your head through a brick wall.

Gemini: Slow down! At the rate you’re going, you’ll be gray by the time our democracy is destroyed by the current administration. Oh, wait…

Cancer: Considering the amount of emotional damage you’ve historically inflicted at Thanksgiving, do us all a favor and take some beta-blockers beforehand. [Chivomengro, legally, cannot advocate recreational drug use, but this errant astrologer can.]

Leo: Oh wow, you haven’t had food poisoning in a while, huh? Well, buckle up. The bathroom floor has missed you. <3

Virgo: You are so scary ahaha! If you hit me with your car I would apologize for being in the way! 

Libra: What if the bugs in your apartment just want to make a nice dinner for you and they’re too small to reach the pots and pans? Ugh, I’m gonna cry. 

Scorpio: Please get a hobby. Sending fifteen reels to a loved one doesn’t count. (Mom, please get off of Instagram.)

Sagittarius: Rubbing a wet wipe all over your body does not technically count as a shower, but I’ll let it slide considering the other hygiene offenses you’ve committed. And remember, wet wipes are never actually “flushable.”

Capricorn: You might think running away and living in the woods would eliminate your stress, but you can’t run away from your go-getter spirit. In two weeks, you’d be the project manager of a chipmunk migration directive and doing freelance shelter-weaving. 

Aquarius: Stay away from shrimp, people who eat shrimp, and people whose parents ate shrimp before they were born.

Pisces: You and the lunch lady at your high school really had something special. In fact, you might never find true connection like that again. 

1. For all you normies who weren’t depressed in middle school, Phan is the ship name for YouTubers Dan Howell and Phil Lester, who recently confirmed the decades-long rumor of their romantic relationship. ↩︎