Written by Julia Cote
Art by Greta Scheff
Ladies, gents, merpeople, and wizards (that is an all-encompassing term by the way; we don’t say witches unless someone is really hot and spooky like Nicole Kidman in Practical Magic), it is rumored to be Spring. Kiss a bunny and read these horoscopes while flailing your bare feet in the grass. Dye an egg, or throw it at a picture of Elon Musk. Enjoy.
Aries: These pets are running your life. Pretty soon it’s gonna be you in the dog bed and kicking litter all over the floor.
Taurus: You have been eating your whole life, and yet you are consistently dumbfounded come lunchtime. No, the world around you did not become more irritating since breakfast, you just got hungry. PB and J, babe. It’s that simple.
Gemini: True transformation starts with rearranging your room. The Buddha said that, I think.
Cancer: You have just enough rebellious spirit rising in you to gatecrash a grad party, but make sure you choose a good one. If all the guests drive Volkswagons, the booze won’t be any good.
Leo: How do you feel about the onslaught of Millennials naming their son after you? I guess it could be worse; every fifth member of our generation has a male dog named Leo (but in a gender non-conforming way).
Virgo: Women are not bad at driving, and you will never hear me say anything of the sort. That being said, a virgo woman merging on the highway while her favorite song is playing IS more hazardous than suntanning on a racetrack.
Libra: I don’t think you hate children, I think you hate the fact that they look at you and see past your bullshit. Or maybe they just stare at you weird because they’re shitting in their diaper or whatever. Beats me!
Scorpio: Mulder and Scully level situationship you’ve got going on there. It’s beautiful.
Sagittarius: You seem to have strong opinions on things, so—if you don’t mind answering a personal question—is it still gross to buy bathing suits secondhand even if they’re really cute?
Capricorn: You need to impress upon your loved ones just how dangerous you are when overstimulated. They can’t keep getting this close.
Aquarius: You actually can’t read the foreign language quotes at the beginning of books, though I know you wait several minutes before finally pulling out Google Translate. It’s good to know what one’s own limits are.
Pisces: Maybe start thinking about the connection between having food in your kitchen and your mood. I’m no physician, but I think calories might be the thing that sustains us…