Written by Julia Cote
Art by Greta Scheff
It’s August… Your astrologer doesn’t quite know what to say about that, other than why is there so much rain?? but these horoscopes sure say plenty.
Aries: It’s not getting down and funky, Aries, it’s a crime. Don’t make me say which one.
Taurus: Hey! I just need your help really quickly; could you please point out the difference between these two groups? I figured you would know, seeing as you’re in both of them.
- People with daddy issues
- People who love Colin Firth
Gemini: Stop taking advantage of the free samples at the farmer’s market. You get ONE per stand. Don’t think that you’re getting away with it; the vendors have started to compare notes.
Cancer: You would look so good underneath one of those mermaid tails made out of sand. Just watch out, sometimes people bury weird stuff at the beach…
Leo: Don’t let the man get you down (that one specific man).
Virgo: Please put down the carton; your bones don’t need any more calcium and your family is worried. Look at you, you’re even milk drunk right now!
Libra: Men with a passion for mountain biking can no longer hurt you, Libra. They are a thing of your past. Listen to what your therapist and I have been telling you: if you see one, DO NOT ENGAGE. And most importantly, don’t look at their butts.
Scorpio: Love is near. Oh, it’s just that annoying couple seated next to you in a cafe. Sorry, maybe next time it’ll be for you.
Sagittarius: For everyone else’s sake, tone it down. Have a bad hair day or something. Jesus.
Capricorn: August 31st is when you can start learning how to knit. By the time you are actually competent at it, it will already be sweater weather!
Aquarius: Summer isn’t over yet, Aquarius. You still have plenty of time to get your heart broken by a she/they.
Pisces: You are not qualified to judge the Olympic divers. You are not actually a fish. You know nothing. Keep your critiques on the couch and out of the public sphere.