Written by Madeleine Minks 

Art by Lillian Anderson 

For my final set of horoscopes, I’ve decided to spare you all a little. Just kidding. There is no mercy in my heart, not even for finals season.

Aries: It’s time to start living in the future and adding pockets to your dresses, Aries! Oh, you don’t wear dresses? Sneak into someone else’s house and add pockets to their dresses. They’d thank you if they knew who did it.

Taurus: Set the coffee cup down. Now go scrounge through your stuff and find some caffeine- free tea. Drink that and go to sleep. Please. Your family is worried.

Gemini: Every time you start seeing red because of something else that your university or college of choice has done to wrong you, just take a deep breath and remember that your feelings are entirely valid and you should continue to be mad, actually. Run on fumes, Gemini!

Cancer: Any goose-related dreams should not be taken as any sort of omen and can be safely ignored.

Leo: Remember, even during finals, it’s important to remember your other responsibilities besides school, such as eating while still working on school stuff, and calling a loved one to cry about school. 

Virgo: Daydreaming about all of the things you’re going to do once summer hits will not, in fact, make all the stuff you have to do now magically complete itself. Even if it did, we both know that once summer does actually come, you’ll fall right back into last summer’s routine of working and rotting in your room.

Libra: Saying “my deadlines can’t hurt me” is an incorrect statement. Your deadlines can and will hurt you, Libra. It’s time to make a last minute, terror-fueled to-do list.

Scorpio: You would absolutely dominate at a game of croquet if you ever had the chance to play.

Sagittarius: Sending me silly fish videos does not count as productivity. You can keep doing it, though. That last one was pretty funny.

Capricorn: As indulging as they may be, your arson-related fantasies should not be shared in detail in public spaces. There are people around you who might have to report that.

Aquarius: Any goose-related dreams should be taken as an omen. What kind of omen? That’s between you and the geese.

Pisces: Aggressively pointing at your computer will not make it do the thing. It will only smudge your screen and make other people tell you, wow, your screen is so dirty, later.