Written by Madeleine Minks 

Art by Greta Scheff 

Happy 2024, dear readers! New year, new…nothing. Don’t lie to yourself. I certainly won’t lie to you. 

Aries: The days are at their shortest and that means turning to your age-old coping mechanism: getting back into your middle school interests (The editor writes this with gritted teeth, knowing her friends, who know she is an Aries, are going to see this and call her out).

Taurus: Those concert tickets are too expensive for you, Taurus, and the nearest show is six hours away. Close the tab. The band will come back. Let it go.

Gemini: Just once, just once, try reading before bed instead of scrolling on your phone. Just once. Please.

Cancer: You’re going to develop an intense obsession with Adam Sandler movies. You don’t even like Adam Sandler movies that much, but the obsession will happen regardless. Start with 50 First Dates, maybe? 

Leo: Be so real with yourself right now, Leo. When’s the last time you drank water? Yeah, thought so. Get on that. No, coffee doesn’t count. 

Virgo: Listen to me, Virgo. It’s okay that you didn’t read 50 books last year. It’s okay that you didn’t read 20 books last year. You tried, and that’s what matters. Ignore what I said to Gemini. That’s not relevant to you.

Libra: Coming out of your cage and you’ve been doing just fine. Gotta gotta be down because you want it all. 

Scorpio: Five gummy bears and half a block of Cabot cheddar is not a meal, Scorpio. And calling it “girl dinner” does not justify it, either. I mean, you do you, but just know that there is a reason you feel like a shriveled up slug every morning.

Sagittarius: It’s time to recognize your true calling: disco. Get groovy, Sagittarius. 

Capricorn: Is corn a vegetable? Have we figured that out yet? This isn’t a horoscope, I’m asking you, Capricorn. Is. Corn. A. Vegetable. I need to know.

Aquarius: For the low, low price of a hundred grand, you too can obtain a bachelor’s degree in creative writing (and yes, you will definitely use it)! No need to have any concerns about your interests waning as you learn more about your place in a capitalist society!

Pisces: Running away into the woods and moving into a cottage with all of your friends isn’t the answer. Running away to a swamp, however…