Written by Madeleine Minks 

Art by Justin Bissonette 

Happy February, folks! Can’t stay warm? Maybe you can settle for getting roasted by your horoscope instead.

Aries: For the love of god, stop drinking caffeine. You already run on spite and anxiety. You don’t need it.

Taurus: When you’re outside, be cautious of the wind. That’s not a metaphor, it’s like, five degrees with windchill outside. Please put on a scarf.

Gemini: Now seems like a good time to start a garden. It’s really nice out, you know? 

Cancer: Never underestimate your own power. Specifically, your power in your favorite pair of stomp-y boots. Think of all the new snow you’ll traverse! The leaves you’ll crunch underfoot!

Leo: Consider.

Virgo: You will find yourself standing on the edge of an endless beach, the vast universe spread out before you. The stars flicker mysteriously above you, leave you to wonder how many are really stars, and how many are actually signals from another planet. One light grows brighter in the sky; no, not brighter, closer. You see a vast shape take form, reaching down to–oh, whoops, nevermind. Wrong magazine. That was for Alien’s Digest. Go pet a dog, or something.

Libra: You know how the saying goes, Libra. When one door closes, another one shatters in a spray of splinters and wood polish. They do this when their feelings get hurt. Avoid any particularly sensitive doors.

Scorpio: A strange man in a trench coat may offer you a job in marine biology. Do not accept his offer. Unless, of course, you’re a marine biology major, in which case this is an incredible opportunity for your resume.

Sagittarius: Thoughts on the color mauve? Not anymore, Sagittarius. Yoink. Mine now.

Capricorn: Do you ever think about how Capricorn sounds like a combination of Capri-Sun and unicorn? What would that look like? A unicorn with a Capri-Sun straw for a horn? Does it bleed juice? That’s too far, isn’t it? Ugh, you get the idea.

Aquarius: There may or may not be someone in your walls. And by someone I mean me. Hey, do you think you could leave a spare blanket by the kitchen door? It’s cold in here. Don’t worry, I can break a hole in your wall to get it.

Pisces: There may be mushrooms in your future. Who knows? I’m not an astrologer or anything.