Written by Julia Cote
Art by Greta Scheff
As your new astrologer, know that I will not be any more merciful than my predecessor. The stars aren’t concerned with your feelings, and neither am I. Nevertheless, welcome to the new regime.
Aries: Love the new hair! What does your therapist think? For the record, I think it’s perfectly normal to dye it every time you feel bored.
Taurus: One of your comrades had a dream recently that their sister (Cancer) was trying to run them down with her car. Clearly, this is a sign for all of you that danger is nigh, and that a Cancer in your life is holding the scythe (or the wheel)…
Gemini: That dance you mastered as a child is going to be coming back in a big way–maybe not for all of us, but CERTAINLY for you. Whether it’s the hoedown-throwdown, cotton-eye-joe, or just a simple dougie, you’ll be needing to whip out that talent in the near future. So get the sweats on: it’s time to practice.
Cancer: The sun is out, the bees are buzzing, but you’re gonna get in that car, that metal box? Take your bike! Walk! Use this opportunity to do some good for your body and the environment, by leaving the car in the driveway.
Leo: One of your ex partners has recently / is currently / or will soon be coming out as (1) gay, (2) straight, (3) a felon, or (4) a Drake defender.
Virgo: Sometimes, you should let people have it. If not for you, then for your drama-hungry loved ones.
Libra: You ought to reintroduce those little packets of gummies back into your life. The teeny carrot shaped ones that stick to your teeth until bedtime? Love those guys!
Scorpio: You know who else is a Scorpio? A man whose name rhymes with brake and a man who, well, is Sean Combs. I’m not saying it’s your fault or anything, I’m just saying maybe you should be on your best behavior for a while.
Sagittarius: Remember, Sagittarius, public swimming pools have poop in them. Stop opening your eyes under the water and pretending to be Logan Lerman in that one scene of The Lighting Thief. When you have an Olympian father, you can optically absorb all the poop you want. Keep on dreaming.
Capricorn: May I make a suggestion? To stay sane during this season of grueling hours at your summer job, select a Real Housewives franchise of your choosing, and let the days melt away to the soothing voices of Lisa Barlow or Erika Jayne (to name a couple favorites).
Aquarius: There’s something on the horizon for you. It might be a person, or an animal–ooh actually that may be a boat.
Pisces: Thoughts on chest hair? No, I don’t have any either.