Written by Madeleine Minks 

Art by Seven Descheneaux 

Aries: For your future self: you need to calm down. Like, seriously. Calm the fuck down. Take like, three deep breaths. Go outside. Eat something green. Not the leaves, you heathen. Something you’re supposed to eat. God.

Taurus: Someone you love is going to absolutely destroy you in Monopoly. Stop trying to buy Boardwalk. It’s never going to happen.

Gemini: All of the stickers that you buy will say that they’re waterproof, but they won’t actually be. Bummer.

Cancer: You’re going to cry in at least four public bathrooms this month. Bring several packs of tissues.

Leo: You’re going to see a really cute pair of pants online and you’re going to want them so bad. It’s understandable, they’re cute. But don’t. Don’t buy them. Remember what happened last time you bought pants online? It’s not worth it. Don’t. Buy. The pants.

Virgo: Hey, um, Virgo? Can you take your blanket off of your head for a second? Yeah? Okay, thanks. That person that you’re worried is mad at you? They forgot about that interaction about five seconds after it happened.

Libra: You’re going to develop an intense and entirely irrational fear of shrimp.

Scorpio: Do you know the muffin man, Scorpio? Have you met him before? No? You will now.

Sagittarius: At some point, you will have a question, and you will google the answer to that question. The first answer to your question will be from Reddit. Keep scrolling, Sagittarius. You should know better than to trust Reddit.

Capricorn: Somewhere in the world, someone will get their identity stolen. It won’t be you, though. Stay safe out there, Capricorn.

Aquarius: Are Aquariuses actually real? Like, has anyone checked? I mean, my cat is an Aquarius. If you’re an Aquarius, dear reader, thank god. At least you don’t vomit on my floor.

Pisces: Fish encounter. Good luck.