Written by Madeleine Minks 

Art by Hadley Rae-Balmes 

Happy March, dear reader! If you’re looking for a horoscope reading that will spare your dignity, close this tab immediately. I will not spare you.

Aries: You need to stop blacking out in a rage and letting out a stream of curses every time ChatGPT is brought up in a conversation. You’re right to do so, but you are incapable of articulating your thoughts on the matter in a cohesive manner.

Taurus: Hey. Heyyyy. Hi. How’s that essay going? Oh, what essay? You know what essay. Don’t play dumb with me. I see everything. 

Gemini: Another Gemini told me it’s going really well, except for the crippling doubt and anxiety that plagues her every day. Does that apply to you?

Cancer: Starting a new hobby will not grant you eternal happiness, Cancer.

Leo: Going on WebMD to look up symptoms is a terrible idea. Close your computer and go drink some water.

Virgo: Your Greek mythology phase will not save you from the inevitability of adulthood.

Libra: Meow meow meow. Meow. Meow meow. Meow meow meow meow. Meow. Meow meow. Meow! Meow meow. Meow. That was my cat cussing you out.

Scorpio: Reading Aristotle doesn’t make you cool, Scorpio, it just makes you a philosophy nerd. Don’t let your literary habits boost your ego. Also, stop reading it in public. No one reads Aristotle alone.

Sagittarius: Stop torturing yourself by looking at pictures of cats you can’t adopt. It’s not fair to yourself. It’s also not fair to your friends who have to listen to you whine about it.

Capricorn: Eat a bagel. Live your life. Unless you’re celiac or allergic to gluten. In that case, eat a gluten free bagel. Live your life.

Aquarius: Please, please, please don’t forget to use hand lotion. Please. It’s painful just looking at you.

Pisces: Change starts today, Pisces. That means your workout routine starts today. You’ve been saying, “oh, I’ll start tomorrow!” for the past six months. Just saying.