Written by Madeleine Minks 

Art by Nathan Conti 

Happy spring, dear reader! It may start getting warmer soon (I hope), but my reads on your horoscope will still be frigid!

Aries: Buying more flowery vintage dresses will not make you happier, Aries. It will actually make you sadder, considering how it will empty your wallet. 

Taurus: Looping that one song–you know the song–is not going to water your crops, clear your skin, or cure your depression. That self-indulgence will result in you coming to realize it’s 2pm and you haven’t left your room. As someone who’s been there: don’t loop that song, Taurus.

Gemini: Saving tattoo ideas on Pinterest is a good way to gather ideas and sit on them instead of rushing into them. But remember that you can, at some point, actually get that tattoo.

Cancer: Telling the people in your life to adopt cute pets so you can adopt cute pets will not work. Even if it does, it will just make you sadder that you do not have said cute pets.

Leo: Banning TikTok may be censorship, but maybe it would be good for you to step away for a bit. That time limit you set for yourself is not working.

Virgo: Stop! Trying! To fix! Everyone! Else’s! Problems! Go buy yourself a coffee or something. Take five.

Libra: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! That’s what the voices said. Hope that helps.

Scorpio: Shame on ye, Scorpio, shame on ye! Misfortune will befall your bloodline! This is the price ye shall pay for taking the last piece of garlic bread!

Sagittarius: Stop buying clothes that you say you’re going to alter. You have the most bare-bones level of sewing skills. Buy what fits, Sagittarius.

Capricorn: Quick, Capricorn! A Nigerian prince who claims to be a long-lost relative needs your help unfreezing his bank account! All he needs is those three little numbers on the back of your credit card.

Aquarius: The spoon tells all, Aquarius. The spoon tells all.

Pisces: You will have to perform the Herculean task of doing your laundry. Wait, that’s every month. Sorry, Pisces.