Written By: Chiv’s Resident Sex Writer
Art By: Izzy Dickey
Installment #4 of Sexcessful
Okay, people, Valentine’s Day is coming up which means some of us ( 🙋🏻♀️) are getting ready for some pretty wild sexual debauchery. But surprisingly, that’s not what I’m here to discuss today. Instead, I would like to rant about how men don’t fucking appreciate lingerie. Like come the fuck on! That shit is expensive and all you wanna do is take it off? Bitch, please! At least take some grainy ass photos on your shitty Samsung camera to be saved into your private folder that’s disguised by a calculator icon.
Now, I have never personally had a sexual encounter with a woman, but I can only imagine that they appreciate the time, effort, and money that goes into buying and wearing sexy undergarments because they can understand how strenuous the process is.
Example: my partner and I had the whole house to ourselves for the weekend of his birthday which is also our anniversary. Nobody disturbing us, no distractions, just an empty house basically asking for loud sex. To surprise him, I bought a very intricate corset with stockings and a lace-up back—the whole shabang. So I spend a good twenty minutes squeezing into this thing for him to say “wow” and take it off in three minutes. COME ON, GUYS! AT LEAST ACT LIKE YOU’RE INTERESTED!
And have I mentioned that lingerie is expensive as hell? Even at Spencers, my go-to budget sex shop, a cute corset is like $40 without the thigh-high stockings! And cute doesn’t even mean high-quality. The material is kinda cheap and I feel like I’m gonna pop outta it. Or, if I’m lucky and my love handles don’t come busting out, when it does come off, I will have ribbon marks on my skin for three weeks to follow! Which leads me to my next point:
LINGERIE SIZES NEED TO BE MORE INCLUSIVE. LINGERIE SIZES NEED TO BE MORE INCLUSIVE. LINGERIE SIZES NEED TO BE MORE INCLUSIVE. And one more time for the people in the back, LINGERIE SIZES NEED TO BE MORE INCLUSIVE. If you don’t have a tiny frame and huge tiddies, you’re kinda screwed. Even the “boutique” lingerie shops (yes, I am directly calling out you, Bertha Church) only cater to plus-size bodies. Everyone seems to forget about the people with small boobs that still want to feel sexy.
Lingerie is meant to make people feel sexy, not to feel excluded because they don’t look like some Jessica Rabbit pornstar. Come on, people, this is 2020.