Ho Ho Ho-escopes

Written by Sara Mayberry

 

OH HELL YEA 

It’s WHOREoscope time! 

Okay, I have a mini-tangent before we begin. Just recently, I came into understanding what a Chiron is. It has to do with a comet/asteroid that passes at your precise time of birth and was originally associated with a mythological Grecian god, named Chiron. Typically the sign associated with your Chiron is one that you typically dislike, or frequently do not see eye to eye with. This represents who you are within the deepest parts of yourself, more commonly when you’re alone with your thoughts. It’s very easy to calculate on the internet, and I recommend it. You may have to do research for a legitimate calculator, and a separate search for the meaning. It’s super freaky – like these horoscopes. Anyways these are the signs in response to hookups, sexy times, and everything in between. Let’s get going, bitch:

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Aries

(March 21- April 19)

Aries is rather versatile. They’re kinda just down for the ride usually and really enjoy hardcore yet really fun hookups. Maybe beers after.

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Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

The actual biggest bottom. Loves to be little spoon after, and be squeezed into absolute eternity. Usually a really wholesome and direct lover. (Sometimes we have to look to our Moon and Mars sign for sexual guidance)

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Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

An absolute wildcard. A Gemini is always down to use the butt plug, get tied up, or even have hot candle wax dripped all over them. Their only downfall is that they get bored too easily.

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Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Another bottom. Their signature move is becoming baby in literally any sexual context. Be prepared to pamper a Cancer.

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Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Leos can vary – their capabilities include jazzing the person they want to smooch, then they let the other person decide everything else. An occasional top that likes being smacked and choked from time to time.

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Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

One of the earth signs that comes off wildly timid, reserved, and shy – and ends up being severely freaky in the best ways. Usually pairing best with a Scorpio, the two will soon have a sex swing together.

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Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

For Libras, it is typically about the thrill of the chase. Once they get what they want, they really love gestures for their significant other, and sex with lots of candles and Frank Ocean.

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Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

A Scorpio would probably bite you but in a hot way. Scorpios would also enjoy being handcuffed to a bed, or getting tickled in a completely insane way.

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Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

The first thing that comes to mind when I think of a Sagittarius in a hookup situation is like a telenovela sex scene. Fabio rides in and passionately smooches the woman. Any Sagittarius would roughly do the same – kind of like that book Kama Sutra.

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Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

Capricorns are almost always doms and there’s just no question about that. They typically have Daddy kinks or aspire to be dominatrixes, and there’s absolutely no question about that. There is an occasional switch in there somewhere, but for the most part, the Capricorn commandeers the situation.

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Aquarius

(January 20 – February 19)

Aquarians, almost exclusively, are known for not giving a fuck. And also being know-it-alls. With that being said, most Aquarians are classified as brats. They love to tease people, both platonically and sexually. They’re just fun assholes, really.

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Pisces

(February 20 – March 20)

Pisces is the near epitome of a bottom, aside from Tauruses, of course. Pisces love being adored and daydreaming and receiving love letters. They love writing the love poems and taking it in the butt from time to time.