Written By: Phil McCrackin
I watched Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. Here’s what I thought!
First off, there’s the main plot. The one where Jesus Christ beats up a bunch of big tiddy goth lesbian vampires. And then there’s this weird, out-of-place secondary plot interspersed throughout that is literally just a hobo shouting in a bush about your soul. It doesn’t really serve a point other than to distract the viewer. However, the main plot is fantastically written, and has some amazing scenes like Jesus talking to a bowl of cherries that is actually his dad (God), a priest taking Jesus to Hooters for lunch, bondage wrestling clowns jumping out of car trunks to beat up a Mexican wrestler that is helping Jesus in his fight against the vampires, a character who is just called “The Transvestite,” saving Jesus’s life while he bleeds out in the streets of Ontario. And then there’s my favourite scene in the entire film: when the Atheists attack Jesus. He’s just minding his own business, walking through a park when a fucking Jeep pulls up, and fucking thirty five men and women dressed in black leather hop out like it’s a god damn clown car. After saying, “You don’t know us because we’ve never talked to you before. We’re the Atheists,” they proceed to get their asses handed to them by Jesus, until a fucking monk with a quarterstaff gets out of the Jeep (pretty sure it’s also just a bald white guy in a borderline racist outfit).
There’s a memorable cast of characters here. First, there’s Jesus, who starts off in his classic robes, beard, long hair, and Adidas sneakers, and ends the movie with a shaved head, stubble, and earrings. There’s his sidekick, Santos/Santo (the subtitles had it both ways?), the Mexican wrestler who arrives in his personal plane (seriously, he’s the one flying it!) halfway through the movie. I’m also pretty sure he’s just a fat white guy doing an accent. There’s his other sidekick and love interest, Mary Magnum (a play off Mary Magdalene – a Jewish prostitute that traveled with Jesus). From the get-go, Jesus and Mary play a constant game of will-they-won’t-they until the end of the film. There’s Santos’s secretary, whose sole purpose is to get her ass grabbed by every single character in the film. There’s the guy who I think runs every store in Ontario (at least the ones they visit)? He doesn’t have a name, but speaks in Jive the entire time, with great quotes such as “For you? Free as OJ,” and “Man, you getting all in the Kool-aid and you don’t even know the flavour.” And then there’s my favourite character in the entire film who doesn’t show up once, but is in the credits, for whatever reason. Played by some dog named Milo, it’s “The Deaf Lesbian Dog.”
This movie has what is probably my favourite soundtrack of all time. Nearly every song is an instant hit, with highlights such as Funky Tropical Music, Energetic Christian Punk Rock, and Slow Romantic Foreign Music. On top of this amazing soundtrack, Jesus actually sings two songs during the movie. The first is at the very beginning, where he grabs random pedestrians off the street to help him sing a song about fighting the vampires. He also has backup dancers wearing bright neon pink, orange, and green. The second song is in a sleazy bar called the Dominion Tavern, where Jesus is called up on the stage and starts scatting to “Upbeat Big Band Music.”
It’s pretty clear what the message of this movie is. Jesus gets rejected by multiple women in this film, with reasons such as “you’re not very tall,” or because they were secretly a lesbian. So, obviously, this is a social commentary on how women only accept men that are six feet or taller, and nice guys never win. No matter what, the THOTS will just reject you. Gamers rise up!
This just might be the greatest film of all time. It’s a horror movie; it’s a comedy; it’s a romance; it’s an action movie; it’s a religious movie; it’s an LGBT movie; and it’s a fucking musical. It has a fantastic soundtrack and a memorable cast of characters. Jesus has a fucking Batman transition! This movie is a Godsend. Literally. I give it 11/10 hobos standing in bushes screaming about the Bible.