Written By: Champlain’s Most Angsty
Art By: Izzy Dickey
We can neither confirm nor deny these stories. They were sent to us anonymously and we have printed them as seen below. But… do enjoy their sheer absurdity.
So I recently decided to do exactly what every mother warns you not to do while abroad. I blindly followed a bachelor party of 16 from the UK around Lisbon, [Portugal] for an entire night. The groom was wearing a strap-on 17 inch black penis for the whole night (of which my nasty ass put my mouth on several times), and his friends referred to me as “sideboob” for the entire time. Great time. 11/10 recommend. Please don’t let my mom see this.
I got so shitfaced that I washed my hands with toothpaste. I figured, “if it cleans my teeth, it MUST clean hands, too!!”🤦🏻♀️
A few of my high school friends and I were smoking and drinking outside of one of my buddies’ houses. She lives up in the mountains so there is a shit ton of wildlife. As we were trying to open another beer—on a camper tailgate because we had no opener— we heard loud rustling from the woods. Being stoned and drunk we determined it was a bear and all lept up on the lil camper’s roof. My friend smashed the beer bottle trying to open it and proceeded to wield it around as “bear protection”. After declaring it safe we ran back to her house and hauled our drunk asses in through her window, breaking a lamp in the process, all the while listening for the bear.
I got so drunk [from drinking] two vodka redbulls thinking they were just redbull, kissed a random gay guy at a bar, then bought a $3 slice of pizza, tipped $9, dropped it on the ground, and smiled and walked away.
I got black out drunk in the middle of a bowling alley with about five other people. This was not my first time (and not my last). I had a pound of weed in my friend’s car that was supposed to be brought to a party to sell & smoke after we had our fun at the alley. The cops ended up pulling us over on the way. We were ALL drunk other than the DD, and we were ALL underage. We made some shit up about having to pick something up at the DD’s job, which was about an hour away. The cops followed us for the entire hour & then the entire hour back.
We ended up still going to that party. I popped something & was feeling amazing. We made a shit ton of money because we overpriced. I had a girl strip for me. I brought that same girl home that night who was the best kisser e v e r. She asked me to move in with her that night. I said no. She’s married now. Ultimately, it was just another Tuesday.