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Written by Sara Mayberry


Y’all have been awful clingy since last time – so this month we’re doing what the signs would Tinder message people (as if a Taurus would message first lol) anyhow here goes some sexy pick-up lines and other sly stuff ;)

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(March 21- April 19)

Hey so not that I care or anything but we should totally go on a date then make out while listening to Channel Orange. But I really don’t care. I’m free around 5 though but I don’t care ok.



(April 20 – May 20)

 404 – not found.

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(May 21 – June 20)

Meet me in the janitor’s closet in 20. K?

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(June 21 – July 22)

My heart is yours for the taking, oh how you remind me of my first love.

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(July 23 – August 22)

Are those pants in your third photo free? Because I’d like them 100% off. (But will you snuggle me after?)

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(August 23 – September 22)

 Ha ha I totally didn’t install this app and swipe through 300+ people to find you. Ha ha how weird would that be right.

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(September 23 – October 22)

Be my muse, please, there are about 5 people ahead of you but your aesthetic is everything. Also, come drink wine and make a charcuterie board with me k thanks.

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(October 23 – November 21)

I’m here to be your Ramona Flowers, and by that, I mean for sex and sex only.

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(November 22 – December 21)

I’m polyamorous as fuck. Does that work for you? If not, list me five reasons why in essay form. MLA format, please.

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(December 22 – January 19)

Genetically speaking, our lovechild would be perfectly balanced with my charm and your adaptable and good body frame. Let’s mate and make a child so I may have offspring! I will gladly give you visitation rights. Or partnership forever.



(January 20 – February 19)

Listen you’re hot and I wanna fuck. Lol, I’m gay jk bitch you thought!

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(February 20 – March 20)

So I just so happened to find the poem that you blog posted from 2015 and I also think that your trauma makes you more susceptible to love. Let me love you!!!!!! Also here’s this poem I whipped up about this playlist I found on your Spotify.

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