Written By: Chiv’s Resident Sex Writer

Art By: Grace Monahan

Installment #3 of Sexcessful

Some of the fondest memories I have of my freshman year of college are when I was sitting on the floor of my room’s closet having video-chat phone sex with my partner. Were my two unsuspecting roommates home some of the times? You bet your ass. Did that dull my horniness? Absolutely fucking not.

I knew that learning how to have successful phone sex was a must to keep my long-distance relationship spicy, but living in a cramped triple with one roommate’s toenail clippings littering the floor, to say the least, it took a while to master. There are two common types of phone sex: strictly audio and audio-video. If you’re anything like me, you prefer the visual component so you don’t have to describe your genitals with awkwardly vague descriptors because I find that particularly not sexy. 

The key to successful phone sex is being comfortable physically, mentally, sexually, you get the point. My dorm now doesn’t have a closet, but it does have single-person bathrooms. The first thing I do is put down a towel because nobody wants to sit on a cold tile floor. Also, it’s always a good idea to use earbuds because you never know when someone is going to walk by and overhear stuff. 

And now, for the hardest part: what to say to keep them into it. I usually do some soft moaning because dirty talking makes me stutter like when I’m at the counter and am unprepared to order coffee. But when I do use my words like a big girl, I use a slow, sultry voice. No matter what you say, if you use “the voice,” your partner will automatically think you are a trained phone sex worker. Personally, I let my partner do the dirty talking because they’re the one in a nice quiet house without three hundred other occupants.

When we do a video call, I try to keep my face out of the frame as much as possible because it helps me focus when I can’t see my walrus face. Every so often, though, I slightly pan to my face and give a sexy lip bite.

And after that, it’s basically just masturbating. If you want to take it to the next level, though, try getting a waterproof phone case and taking your sexy time into the shower; and if you’re looking for shower sex advice, be sure to check last month’s issue for the pro tips on that.