Editors / Feature / May 2019 / Sara Mayberry

Chiv Summerscopes

Written by Sara Mayberry

Okay bitches it’s been a straight (or gay) minute since I’ve updated y’all, and well, Summer is coming. (Queue GoT weird reference that I don’t understand) Anyways I figured I’d give everyone a little suggestion on how to go about your summer…activities.

What time is it? (Summer time)

(And horoscopes I guess)

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Aries

(March 21- April 19)

Well, Aries, here we are. Let’s not yell at anyone for a little while, okay? Aries season was good to you, however; the only acceptable person to punch at the moment is either a fascist or a nazi. (Are they the same)? Take some time for yourself right now, practice self care, and get ready for the summer, because shit is about to heat up both metaphorically and literally.

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Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Taurus, take this free time to become comfortable with yourself and your daily habits. Consider getting a job this summer, and finding comfortability in routine. You need something to ground those earth-sign feels. You’ve been feeling like you’re drowning in everything recently, so let’s avoid the pool, shall we? A big change will soon arise and will make you doubt patterns of complacency, as well as open new doors. Keep your eyes peeled,  and your dick out for this one, Taurus.

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Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

As the tokenized bad bitch, you’re probably in the process of claiming your next victim…or um….FWB. I always feel like Gemini is inherently sexual, so kinda consider just leading a bunch of people on this summer and going to town on whatever you feel like, honestly. With Gemini season approaching, it’s time to indulge in your favorite two-faced pastimes.

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Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Cancer! It’s water season! Crying is now allowed for parts of June and July. But that’s all I’ll allow. It’s time to put your big-person-pants on and get to stepping. This means money moves only, and quit the codependence. You’re an adult, so get off of your mom’s tiddies. I’m sorry if this was a drag or a little too real, I’m just trying to help is all. (And make you question your every move, obviously).

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Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

LEO! You’re doing amazing, sweetie. The stars seem to just be endlessly proud of you, which your conceited ass is just LIVING for. Your continued luck streak finds itself in success of work and love-related ventures. Similar to Taurus, (even though you have a tragic disdain for Taurus) you’re finding yourself at a fat ass crossroads. It’s time to cut some of the negative shit out to make space for better things. MAKE THE DECISION, idiot.  The summer will bring a newfound abundance of love and joy in most capacities, so keep the good shit coming, Leo.

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Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Ah, Virgo, you’re struggling. You feel torn between one thousand places, things, people, and ideas. Try to remember that the grass is always greener on the other side, even if everything around you seems to be demonstrating otherwise. This summer will bring a sense of enlightenment, and definitely make or break a lot of larger aspects of your life. Keep on keeping on, Virgo, everyone is rooting for you!

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Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

LIBRA LITERALLY JUST figure it out. You bounce from one crush to another every goddamn week because you’re so gushy! We all support your love for love, whether it be your own or others. Save your money, and lock someone down. And for g*d sakes, delete your fucking Tinder account. No one’s beautiful partnership came from a weird sex app, and in regards to the money thing, just don’t run toward the next cute Gucci belt you see. They’re expensive for a reason, you boujee fuck.

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Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Hiding behind your weird enigmatic persona, you’re really into some Daria (Google it if you don’t know what that is) vibes.  You’re finding yourself at a crossroads with wanting to be really unaffected or unamused by the world around you, but something is prodding at those manic-pixie-dream-girl-feels. Someone is starting to crack your shell, exposing all of your water-sign induced gushy love feelings. Embrace the change, Scorpio.

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Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius, you’ve been in a rut recently. You’re tired, run down, and in need of some new scenery. Take the summer as a chance for new opportunities to arise, whether it be a job, your sexy new neighbor, or finding the cure for Donald Trump’s xenophobic actions. You have all of the tools, just learn how to use them.

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Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

Capricorn, this summer is for money moves only. Which you’re obviously living for, seeing as you literally get off thinking about Excel spreadsheets. (I’m half kidding). Anyways your newfound sense of stability and consistent income has been really feeding into your positive outlook on life recently. Keep the good vibes going, Capricorn. We’re all looking to you as our sugar parent.

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Aquarius

(January 20 – February 19)

Hello, my dear air sign Aquarius, I have the perfect metaphor for your current situation. You know when you’re drunk and it’s super great, but you know that the next day is going to suck? Well, you’re currently at the toilet bowl, just waiting to see all of those Captain and Coke’s again. While this isn’t exactly the best place to be, it’s what’s going on with you right now, Aquarius. It’s time to start looking at your next moves, whether it be a new job, new place, or just a new adventure. Look forward, Aquarius.

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Pisces

(February 20 – March 20)

Pisces! This is the season where everyone is near water, which you should be too. Seeing as you’re basically just a fish person (queue Barnacle Man joke here), water is a necessary and complete part of your entire summer. So head down to the beach with your lover, (or buddies) and finger paint the sky and let out a good cry. (Wow bars). Okay anyways, the summer will be good to you, but only if you allow it to. This is kind of a DIY-kind of situation here.

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