Written by the Chiv Astrologists

Aries

(March 21- April 19)

How many times must your Earth sign friends nod and say “Sure, Jan” when you deny your feelings while simultaneously never shutting up about your current beau? Admit you have a little more than a crush already, you beautiful psychotic hellfire nutjob. We love you.

 

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Oh gentle Taurus. Light of our lives. Have we told you enough how much we value your friendship? No, don’t answer, we know we haven’t.

Hey uhh can we hang out more this week? The other signs are driving me fucking crazy.

 

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Okay Gemini, the holidays are officially upon us. But please, PLEASE, for the love of god do not play Christmas music out loud in common areas. We know you’re excited and we love the enthusiasm, but even our favorite gay Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky didn’t like the Nutcracker Suite that much.

 

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

You know what, Cancer? Carve out some quality time and craft a couple “Not Dealing With This Shit” coupons for yourself. After this hellish Scorpio season you have truly earned a few hard passes on the drama. Present them to the next person that tries to entangle you in their mess. Later!

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

37 days until Christmas? Pff, like you care, Leo.

The only countdown you care about is 244 days until the next Leo season.

 

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

As finals loom on the horizon, people are gonna start coming for your studying and organizational strats, Virgo. Hide your highlighters, hide your washi tape, they’re gonna be knocking down your door trying to know what your secret is.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Like Harry Potter hoping to get his Diagon Alley permission slip signed in book three, so must you hold your tongue during Thanksgiving dinner. Your relatives hardcore suck, but you can’t lose it on them until after graduation. Keep the peace for now Libra, your day of retribution will come.

Oh, how it will come.

 

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

We don’t even know what to say to you Scorpio.

You have ruined all of our lives this season.

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

You’ve been horny on main literally all month Sagittarius, and we’re not sure weather to applaud you or remind you to change your twitter privacy settings for employers. Maybe you’re just goin through it right now, and that’s okay. Put another plaid flannel on and see if that helps.

 

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

Capricorn, you are the marshmallows in our hot chocolate, the frosting on our sugar cookie, the gravy on our potatoes.

We love you, we love you, we love you.

 

Aquarius

(January 20 – February 19)

Aquarius, we wish we could sit in on your Thanksgiving dinner like an episode of The Office, just so we could see all the under the radar burns you’ll be dishing out to your bigoted extended family. Your cold smile and “I looove your sweater Aunt Linda!” comments are golden. Make it through dinner and then continue running your nudes Tumblr like the king you are.

Pisces

(February 20 – March 20)

Oh eat some chicken noodle soup about it, Pisces. You went to school in Vermont and you knew what the meteorological consequences were gonna be. Stop sniveling.