Haley Clemens / October 2017 / QSL

Psychopath Bait

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I am psychopath bait.

No matter where I go in life, there always seems to be one waiting for me. Waiting to beat me down or break off a little bit more of me for themselves. The worst part is that despite all the warning signs I keep falling for it.

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Does God keep putting them on my life path to toughen me up? As some kind of weird life training? Whatever the reason, I would like her to know that I don’t appreciate it. At this point I’ve got five (Yes, five.) under my belt and am terrified of tangling with a sixth. So why do I feel like the next one is just around the corner?

It’s like the empathic part of me and my higher self are two separate entities—my Higher Self knows that I deserve to be treated well and to be engaged in healthy relationships, and she demands as much, but the Empath falls a little bit in love with everyone they meet.

The Empath runs full tilt into danger, believing fully that she and everyone else deserves to love and to be loved, while the Higher Self follows closely behind cursing and cleaning up the mess. She knows what’s happening is wrong, and that what is coming is going to be even worse.

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But sometimes, miraculously, the two meet and become one again. It’s during those times that I can see clearly. I am strong again. I can try to stand up for myself.

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Have you ever tried telling a psychopath that they’re doing something wrong?

They don’t believe it. They literally don’t know what they’re doing to you. No matter how loud you yell or hard you cry, they won’t understand. They can’t. And just like that I am split again.

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There are people out there who can turn love off the second they’re harmed, and the more power to you, y’all are powerful. I can’t do that. The part of me that loves and trusts implicitly hasn’t died yet. It’s a trait left over from childhood, from a time when I made best friends with whoever was at the pool that day, when my parents and teachers were the smartest kindest people in the world, when I believed that all life everywhere was undeniably good.

That implicit trust stops me from breaking things off with anyone, no matter how shitty they’ve been. If you’ve ever been involved with a psychopathic personality you know the things they do to abuse you, and the things that they do to make you stay.

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Here is the sad truth about life: You can’t go around throwing your heart at everyone you meet. You’re going to get hurt. There are a lot of bad people out there, and honestly not everyone has your best interest in mind. I hate that it has to be that way, because I would vastly prefer a world full of selfless and kind friends and romantic partners. But part of becoming an adult is learning how to toughen up. Sometimes you have to be thrown in the deep end of a shitty relationship so that you actually learn something about yourself. And yeah, it really sucks every time one of these assholes dramatically exists my life, but after every one I find that I’ve gotten a little bit stronger.

I would rather continue to be the empathic caring feel-all-the-emotions-at-once person that I am with the added risk of getting hurt than to be completely closed off and stone cold for the sake of self preservation above all else. There are people out there that are worth loving, and people who I deserve to let love me.

I am psychopath bait. But I am also becoming extremely strong as hell.

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