Aries

(March 21- April 19)

The fiery entrance you brought to spring is finally cooling down, Aries. But you’re still in the mood to have a fun time. With the formal season coming up, consider covering yourself in blood and glitter to crash a prom full of teens. If all goes well, maybe you’ll slow dance with someone cute. If it doesn’t, maybe you’ll throw up in the bathroom and cry when it gets in your hair. Either way you’re having fun!

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Everyone knows your sign as luxurious and lazy, Taurus. The Sun entered your sign on 4/20, the very same day an ounce of weed entered your person. It’s in your nature to want to be one with the Earth, so embrace the desire you feel to post up in a tree for a little while. Now, enjoy some tree and have a happy solar return!

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Mercury, your ruling planet, ended its retrograde at the end of the month! Expect things to push forward in your life. You’ve been feeling the itch to get out and be social, but since your eczema’s been acting up you might consider staying in a little while longer. Skin stuff makes people nervous.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Lately your focus has been on your reputation – social and personal. You’ve been worrying a lot about situations at work and at home, and you’re not feeling like yourself. Use the slow start of spring to relax and begin small, fun projects. Build a boat or a knife holder or a coffin. Do something with your hands!

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

The Moon was recently in your sign, inspiring you to pay close attention to your self care and work on introspection. Now might be a good time to visit a life coach or behavioral therapist. Or maybe just get into astrology and shove a crystal up your ass.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Life is moving forward, with or without you Virgo! You’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and it’s time to start making decisions. So who the fuck is it gonna be Virgo? Me or Jeff? I can’t take this back and forth anymore. Please call me.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Libra, you’re usually so balanced and easy going, but lately shit has just been too complicated. Messenger planet Mercury ended it recently, so things will clear up soon. You’ll have that 550-piece Ren & Stimpy puzzle done faster than you can say “I feel so alone.”

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

There’s been a peaceful vibe surrounding your relationships recently. You’re spreading a serene, easy-going aura that reaches the people around you. Now would probably be a good time to mention that threesome dream you had about your neighbors – they might be more open than you think!

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Creative projects have been on your mind. You’re feeling ready to share work with the people in your life and you should go for it! Your friends will be flattered and impressed when you show them the stick-and-poke portraits of them that you gave yourself down the backs of your legs. Offer your creative services to others – everyone loves a DIY gift!

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

Issues concerning your home life have been coming up recently. Spring is a time of renewal, and maybe that means a new roommate? Empty the contents of your roommate’s room onto the sidewalk and tell them it’s for the best. They’ll be understanding! Capricorn’s gotta do what a Capricorn’s gotta do.

Aquarius

(January 20 – February 19)

Oh, Aquarius. Your social life has been riding high lately, but expect it to lower way, way down. A fun night that turns out of control might find you and your friends stuck in a muddy cave in your best club clothes. That would really kill the vibe!

Pisces

(February 20 – March 20)

Spring is feeling fresh and you’re in a good place. Good for you Pisces, you deserve it. We think you’re a great kid. Here’s $20.