April/May 2017 / Feature / Jordan Upshaw

Patriotic Witchcraft

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Before President Obama witnessed us burn this country to the ground and then peaced the fuck out, he told us all to get involved in politics and make a difference. Starting in February, the witch community did just that—they organized a national monthly spell-casting event to bind Donald Trump and all those who abet him (that’s exactly what Obama was talking about, shut up). We here at Chivomengro decided to do our patriotic duty and help some witches out.

To clarify: we did not do a curse or a hex. We did a binding spell, which is more like a restraint. We aren’t trying to make his toupee gain sentience and eat his skin—we just want him out of office, inflicting the minimal amount of damage. The spell will be performed every month until Trump is cast out of office.

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The Chiv gals got together just before midnight on April’s waning crescent moon. The spell allows some leeway so that members of all spiritual practices and magic systems feel comfortable. According to the instructions, “the critical elements are the simultaneity of the working and the mass energy of participants”. The magic of teamwork. So we added a broken toy gnome, a blue frog figurine, and a plastic Totoro with a frog on its head as our deities of choice.

We were able to collect all of the supplies from our dorm rooms or Homeport: tower tarot card, small orange candle, pin, lighter, ashtray, white candle representing elemental Fire, small bowl of water representing elemental Water, small bowl of salt representing elemental Earth, and unflattering photo of Trump representing elemental Spray Tan.

The only ingredient we were missing was a feather to represent elemental Air. You can’t properly bind a fear-mongering demagogue without all four elements. This is not a three element type of binding spell but real feathers are hard to come by on short notice. We briefly considered chasing down a seagull by the lake but decided against it.

Processed with VSCO with e1 presetOne dedicated amateur witch and Editor-in-Chief, Jess Schultz, reached out to our more experienced cohorts for advice via the official Bind Trump Facebook group. “SOS I have no feather! What’s a substitute?” and answers started flooding in within moments. (The witch community is a very supportive one.) Suggestions included: incense, a pillow, draw a feather, turn on a fan, invoke the breeze, etc.

Unfortunately we didn’t have a way to invoke the breeze, but we did have our Art Director, Haley Clemens. She drew a very nice feather for us and then we were ready to roll. We arranged the objects in a pleasing circle, invoked the spirits, lit the candles, inverted the tarot card, and took a few photos to share with our readers.

There were a few minor snags along the way. Upon lighting the unflattering Trump photo on fire, I burned my fingers and dropped it on the ground instead of in the ashtray (don’t play with fire, kids). But I have faith that our enthusiasm made up for any mistakes.

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After completing the spell, we grounded ourselves by jumping up and down, clapping our hands, and having a good, hearty laugh (apparently the laughter is very important—Trump hates people laughing at him). Then we walked to the nearest crossroads and discarded the orange candle there.

If you and your friends are interested in living through the next four years without nuclear holocaust turning the planet into a dystopian hellscape then click here to learn how to save the world and piss off a Republican.

Some people have expressed concerns that the spell might actually work. If we effectively bind Trump then we’re stuck with Mike “Electrocute the Gays” Pence. To that, the witch community says: “One step at a time, please.”

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