Aries

(March 21- April 19)

Pay day is right around the corner and your Amazon wishlist is stocked! Treat yourself to all three Kylie lip kits—I mean you didn’t miss a single class this week, and it was raining yesterday.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

It’s no way to go about life living in the past, Taurus. You’re feeling a bit nostalgic this month—we recommend wearing those 3D glasses with the lenses punched out like you did in middle school and rewatching Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

You’ve started feeling some sparks from the cutie in your CORE class, but push that shit down Gemini, you are far too busy rewatching Parks and Rec to get any feelings for anyone.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

We can’t quite understand you this month, Cancer, but no one really can. Stop freakin’ mumbling.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

You may not believe in magic but how do you explain that levitating man in the park, Leo???? Just take a step back and suspend your disbelief.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Your mind has been running like crazy lately, Virgo, and you’ve been feeling really talkative. Your stuffed elephant is just not as good of a listener as it once was. We recommend joining a new club, going to the farmers market, or finally going on a coffee date with Josh from Tinder.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

For all those bitches telling you that you’re not polished enough—show them that you’re polish remover. Party.

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

stop tryin to b scary we know ur a softie!!

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

That notebook where you jot down all of your jokes is getting mighty full. Instead of going out to get a new one, why don’t you try and give stand up ago. We know you’re nervous—but your sense of humor is like no other. You eat, breathe, and live for comedy. Let yourself go out into the world and be funny. We believe in you!

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

You’ve had a couple of low blows this month, but failure is okay. It makes you get out of your comfort zone—which you need to do more often !! Get out of bed!!! Go for a walk!! Quit your job!!! Shave your head!! Buy a puppy!!! Start a journal!!!

Aquarius

(January 20 – February 19)

Warmer weather is coming and you know what that means—going to Goodwill and finding jeans you can cut up, make into shorts, paint on them, and sell them on Etsy for twice their worth.

Pisces

(February 20 – March 20)

You just need to rewatch Toy Story and eat a big pile of nachos—the cheesier the better.