Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Look, this month went one of two ways for you Aries—either it was fabulous or the worst mental health month you’ve had in a long time. Possibly it fluctuated between the two, confusing the hell out of you. But you’re a spring babe! Your months are coming real soon baby, practice being patient with yourself and take things one day at a time.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Congrats on getting out of bed today you stubborn piece of shit. But hey, good job on all the fucking with the vision and linking and building you do. (We’re legally obligated to mention your hard work.)

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Both your faces are dry this month from walking home from trash parties at 2am and also crying. Moisturize that shit.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

You need this.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

I love you Leo. You saw that there were new horoscopes and you got so excited to hear someone talk about you and your accomplishments. Well guess what, we’re not going to appease you. Go read another sign’s horoscope and think about someone else for a change.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Can you say SPRING CLEANING?? Aww hell yeah. Throw them windows open wide and get to work sterilizing and tidying, inviting in that fresh spring energy you thrive off of. Ignore your roommate’s complaints about the window being open on a 46 degree day, 46 is like… practically 60 degrees.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

This administration is a goddamn nightmare for you Libra. Your heart is hurting but at the same time you’re real fuckin mad. One day you’re attending a community discussion on recognizing privilege, the next day you’re watching the Nazi punch video over and over again and shredding your couch pillows. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to be mad. What’s important is that you use your level head and hate of injustice to get shit moving forward.

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Scorpio, you’ve been spending a lot of time on Instagram lately looking at the feeds of companies who are absolutely killing it, like @shopbando and @ohjoy. With the coming spring you’re feeling fabulous and motivated. Use that energy to start taking steps towards your future as a entrepreneur! Get your goals laid out, start reserving twitter handles and email addresses, get your graphic design friend to help you with your branding. This is going to be so cool!

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Alright Sagittarius, when is the last time you took a self care day? A real self care day, one that actually makes sense for you. Call out of life and go on a day trip with your best friend. Or stay home and rearrange your room! Put your bed up against a different wall, switch up where your dresser is. A new layout will open up your headspace and get you back on track.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

We’ll all be working for you in the future Capricorn, and we’d like to thank you in advance for the opportunity.

Aquarius

(January 20 – February 19)

Hey girl, you’ve been significantly less of a frigid asshole this month, and your friends really appreciate it. Maybe you heart is melting with the snow? Just remember that no matter how hard you try to pretend you’re cold and unfeeling, your friends still love you to pieces. You bitch.

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

This month your tears will find a new place to fall, on a new friend’s shoulder. :)