Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

The Moon was in fellow fire sign Leo recently, leaving you feeling energized and ready to paint or write or punch someone in the throat. Use that energy this month for something positive.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Your sign is naturally lazy, Taurus. Lately you’ve been napping all over the place—you’ll stop anywhere to get some zzz’s! Next time, even if the trash bags look comfortable, only sleep in the dumpsters in the nice part of town. You’ll be glad you did.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

The sun is in the sector of your chart that rules love and relationships, so now’s a great time to shove a red rose up your butt.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

You’re usually modest, Cancer, but maybe it’s time to let loose this month. Withdraw all the money in your bank account in cash and tape it to your body. Not only is it a bold avant garde look, it also tells people “Hey, don’t mess with me because I’m fucking rich.”

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

The Moon was in your sign recently, Leo, giving you loving structure and support. You won’t need your bras anymore, and burning them will probably do wonders for your chest skin. Classic fire sign!

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Don’t leave the house today. Don’t tell anyone where you are. Turn off all the lights and don’t make a sound and maybe you’ll be okay.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Connecting with new people is on your mind, Libra. Get to know your neighbor Elijah and his four female roommates who live down the road on the old farm property. If you think it’s a polygamous cult, don’t worry, it’s probably not! The cows that live there are also very friendly.

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Lately, Scorpio, fame and fortune have been on your mind. Chaining yourself to the soon-to-be-demolished Radio Shack that went out of business is a good way to start a relationship with the media.

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Happy birthday, Sagittarius! We frosted your cake with mayonnaise and your car’s been towed.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

You’ve been feeling mushy as hell lately and have been catching yourself tearing up at the silliest things. Swallowing a whole box of Kleenex should reverse that.

Aquarius

(January 20 – February 19)

Congratulations on your pregnancy scare!

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

You’re making important realizations about cash, organization, and stability—you don’t have them and the online poker site you frequent has mysteriously been taken down. Keep refreshing—maybe it’s just your router.