Aries
(March 21 – April 19)
You’ve been craving intimacy and passion with your partners, but the bird that lives outside your window won’t stop squawking. Take it out back and shoot it to see your love life heat up!
Taurus
(April 20 – May 20)
The mood is emotional this month, Taurus. If you’ve been wondering whether or not to install a seat in your shower to make those long shower cries more comfortable, I think we both know what you’re gonna do.
Gemini
(May 21 – June 20)
The new moon in Scorpio is making it a great time to shake things up in the health and wellness sector of your life—kicking bad habits and learning to hold in your farts at the office will be key this month.
Cancer
(June 21 – July 22)
Cancer, you’ve been looking for a clear head for a while now. Come on down to Jane’s Lettuce House for 60% off on all the heads of lettuce you can find while supplies last!
Leo
(July 23 – August 22)
Focus on cleansing the energy of your home this month, Leo. Mix OxiClean with your essential oils collection and use it to wash all your sheets, curtains, and turtlenecks.
Virgo
(August 23 – September 22)
Your communication is heightened this month Virgo, and your psychic abilities are increasing. Now’s a good time to throw out your phone books—you won’t need it where you’re going.
Libra
(September 23 – October 22)
This month, you’re looking to get paid. Make it rain dollar bills by selling your blood and urine on the black market. Some folks will pay a pretty penny for good, clean bodily fluids.
Scorpio
(October 23 – November 21)
Happy new moon to you, Scorpio! The moon is in your sign right now, making it a transformative, dreamy time for you. Beware of sleep walking, sleep shoplifting, and sleep breaking and entering—it will be a titillating and risky month for you!
Sagittarius
(November 22 – December 21)
Seriously, don’t leave the house. Don’t ask questions, there’s no time. Just stay here.
Capricorn
(December 22 – January 19)
Lately, you’ve been wanting to branch out socially, Capricorn. Ditch the fat losers who have supported you for years with their friendship and love and go to a basement screamo show with the mole kids that live under your house. If they ask you to try crack, say yes.
Aquarius
(January 20 – February 19)
It’s time to focus on your professional goals and reputation, Aquarius. Become a part of the water cooler crowd at work by chugging the entire water jug right in front of them. Don’t worry if you throw up after—it’s just the new moon messing with your vibes!
Pisces
(February 19 – March 20)
Pisces, if anyone knows how to have an adventure, it’s you. The cool fall weather is perfect for going on long walks in the woods and then getting tragically mauled by the Berenstain Bears.
Illustrated by Haley Clemens
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