Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

You’re in the mood to connect. Search around your community for someone who shares your curiosity with the mechanics of The Human Centipede. Love could be on the way!

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

You’re running out of money and the world is imploding. More deets later.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Spoil yourself today–you’ve been feeling emotional lately. I mean, soil yourself–sorry. Sometimes you just need to feel like a baby again.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

The Moon in Gemini is activating the chart that rules rest and relaxation–rob a hospital for a life supply of anesthesia.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Yeah, sorry about that.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

You’re thinking a lot about getting back together with your ex-girlfriend today, Jason. You’re feeling a connecting energy, so you might even call her or send her one more dick pic.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Expect to learn new things, gain new information, and become cursed with the memories of a thousand witches.

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Intimate relationships are demanding your attention–reach out to the elderly man you’ve been catfishing, you’ll feel better after having talked.

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

The planets are making communication tough, so ditch that burner phone and consider training birds to send messages to loved ones.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

You’ve been productive recently. That’s really fucking nice for you, Capricorn.

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Don’t leave the house.

Aquarius

(January 20 – Februrary 19)

Today, grease is in the air. You’re feeling flirty and dirty, and a trip to to the local burger shack will create a spark. Remember that Mercury’s recent retrograde means drama’s in the air, so be careful or your heart will end up in the deep fryer.

Illustrated by Haley Clemens