Jessy Moyer / Review / September 2016

POTTY PARTY

I’ve been pissed off since the 90’s. People write some really stupid reviews about things. If you seriously want to know how that Pan Fried European Sea Bass tastes at that restaurant that doesn’t allow you to arrive in anything less than black tie, just go and eat it.

It’s not like it’s expensive or anything.

I’m sick and tired of reading reviews about stuff that doesn’t actually matter. This world needs reviews about crucial topics, and I’ve got the perfect idea: bathrooms.

Living in a dorm and sharing bathrooms is stressful. Your bowels don’t move appropriately just thinking about dropping your kids off at the public pool.

I decided not to constrain myself to the realm of dorm potties and instead explored some of the other buildings on campus, buildings where I can peacefully drop a doodie. Don’t turn back now. I’m about to change Yelp as we know it.

LIBRARY BASEMENT · GENDER NEUTRAL BATHROOM

I was taking a nap on the library floor when I woke up to my 7PM tummy tingle. It was time for my 7PM bathroom break. Knees weak from mom’s spaghetti, I crawled to the nearest bathroom, dragging my body across the roughly carpeted library floor. “Why are you lying down on the floor in front of the bathroom?” I heard someone ask me from behind. Without averting my glance to the voice, I realized I was lying down on the floor in front of the bathroom. “Nothing!” I screamed at the bathroom door, too embarrassed to look at the person who called me out, standing up quickly and turning the knob. As soon as I pushed through the doorway, I had to immediately hold my breath. The water was up to my knees and I thought I might not make it. I do not have gills. How do I do this?

  • Mirror Quality: ⭐⭐⭐⭐🔫 – The mirror was big. Even though I cannot breathe underwater, I still had time to take a picture with my waterproof iPhone 7. *
  • Lighting: ⭐⭐⭐🔫🔫 – I think it bothers the fish. They might do better in a black light, or perhaps a strobe light.
  • Privacy: ⭐⭐⭐⭐🔫 – It’s in a basement, but still susceptible to people knocking and rushing your #2. Don’t be nervous. Face your fear of feces.
  • Comfort: 🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫 – I can’t say I enjoy DROWNING.
  • Aesthetic: Seriously? Stop glamorizing under-the-sea themes. After my experience underwater for a whole 10 minutes in this bathroom, I am aware of the problems this inappropriate trend creates. Under the sea is a real issue, and we need to do something about it.
  • Total Rating: 🐟

* I’m sorry. I lied. I don’t even have an iPhone 7. My phone is damaged from the water. I can no longer contact my family. If you read this, mom, college is really just okay.

THE COLLEGE PRESIDENT’S HOUSE · FIRST FLOOR BATHROOM

You’re probably wondering how I got into the President of my college’s house. Well, I don’t have time to answer your questions right now. I have to finish writing my article. As preparation for my endeavors into the President’s humble abode, I had weeks of training. Training consisted of rock climbing and glass staining, where I met tons of new and amazing people. I was genuinely expecting to feel safe in the President’s house after all of my practice, but nothing prepared me for the ATTACK OF THE WILD BEAST (pictured above). I took one step into the bathroom, raised my Canon EOS 5D Mark III DSLR to take a mirror photograph, and an animal foaming at the mouth jumped on me. I swatted her down, scratch marks lining my forearm. I asked if she wanted to go out for coffee sometime. Her name is Stella. We now have two lovely kids who are respectful and caring. They do tons of community service.

  • Mirror Quality: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ – Seeing that Stella and I got our first photograph together in this mirror, I’d say it’s a pretty dang good mirror.
  • Lighting: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ – People ask me if it was love at first sight with Stella, but I couldn’t see her in this pitch black bathroom. The truth is, I didn’t need to see her. In fact, it was love at first touch.
  • Privacy: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ – The door doesn’t close all the way if you don’t push hard enough, and you’ll feel rushed and stressed out if you snuck in the house like I did.
  • Comfort: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ – At first, I sat in the sink, thinking it was the toilet – that’s how dark it was! I laughed out loud, shaking my head and shrugging my shoulders. Silly me. I hopped off the counter and made my way to the toilet. The classy round seat was much comfier on the tush than the rectangular sink.
  • Aesthetic: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐ – Are those new hand towels?
  • Total Rating: 🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫 – Stella just e-mailed me, and she wants a divorce.

AIKEN HALL · THE BATHROOM OF REQUIREMENT

Do you ever walk into a bathroom and see a random stranger practicing ballet on a ballet bar? It has happened to me once before, but that was years ago. I really was not expecting to see someone doing this on my college campus. How scholarly! Rehearsing what you are passionate about… in the bathroom! Whatever it takes to improve, right? The heavy door that I swung open banged against my shoulder wanting to close, but my stunned figure didn’t allow it. I stood in amazement in the doorway and clapped, nodding my head and smiling. I was inspired. I proceeded forward, still smiling and clapping as the door finally slammed behind me. I didn’t even care enough to lock it; I sat down on the toilet fearlessly. My sudden movements must have scared the gremlin, because it jumped off of the bar and crept into a small nook in the wall. I could have sworn it disappeared, until I peeked my head around the wall to see that the tiny creature had fallen asleep. I smiled and kept clapping, what a show! After wiping with my right foot – I’ll admit it, I’m a righty! – I tapped the stranger on the shoulder, waking it up. It hissed at me, but I handed it my phone, asking it to snap a photo of me on the sink. What an adventure! Turned out the gremlin was actually my best friend Kerry. I didn’t even recognize her. This bathroom made me feel strange. Please help me.

  • Mirror Quality: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – I think it’s a one-way mirror. For some reason I felt like someone was watching me. I love performing!
  • Lighting:⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – This is the only bathroom I have reviewed so far with windows. So natural. Maybe it’s Maybelline?
  • Privacy: ⭐🔫🔫🔫🔫 – Anyone could hide in that nook. It is narrow, but mighty. Be sure to check it before plopping your patootie on the toilet.
  • Comfort: ⭐⭐⭐⭐🔫 – If you’re one to get lonely on the toilet, you won’t in this bathroom! With the one-way mirror and the potential creatures inhabiting the nook, you’ll never be alone!
  • Aesthetic: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – I haven’t seen a bathroom like this on campus before. There are so many places to stand up high. It’s any mountain climber’s dream.
  • Total Rating: 🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫– Someone is making me write this. I am terrified of this bathroom. The door won’t unlock. I can’t leave.
Advertisements