Written By: Beluga Whale Lover #241

Art By: Izzy Dickey

Picture this, the year is year, you’re in your pajamas in your Champlain College™ dorm, listening to Despacito 2, Shrek 5 and watching that time traveling Amish show that just came out, you’re licking your ketchup ice-cream, and over in the corner of the room is a tank filled with 2,000 gallons of water and your therapy dog, Wilbur.

Sounds nice, doesn’t it? But alas, it is only a dream for Champlain College has forbidden this, and in doing so has violated the Geneva Convention. I know, I know how this sounds. Put your tin foil hats on and pretend the Earth is flat, the moon landing was staged, and that Mark Zuckerberg isn’t a lizard person. But this claim has more to validate it than any of the others. What are three things beluga whales have in common with humans?

1. They’re both white (we’re gonna ignore every other race in the usual Champlain College™ administrative fashion).
2. They’re both mammals.
3. They both served in the Vietnam War.

Huh—don’t remember that part from the textbooks? That’s because you’re an American, ya’ idiot. We lost that war, idiot, and henceforth our textbooks have been tainted by the victors of said war. If you’re as old as my grandpa with dementia, you would remember how we got ambushed when we arrived on those Vietnam shores.

“We were boating our way towards those Vietnamese,” my grandpa recounted to me on his dying bed. “All of a sudden we saw these white heads bobbing out of the water. Sharks were my first thought, but then Lopez said ‘No, those be beluga whales.’ We never even made it to those shores. All those videos with Fortunate Son playing as our boys in red, white, and blue are hopping out of helicopters are just American propaganda because no one was brave enough to want to relive what we saw that day. But I’ll tell you, my grandson who is watching me as I give my dying words in this hospital so he can one day recount these words. You know Jaws? They based it off the wrong creature. I watched a beluga wearing a Vietnam flag bandana swallow a man whole. Not like the whale from Pinocchio. No, I could see George squirming inside trying to escape its white belly. But the whale didn’t let him go, no, instead it went down into the sea to drown the both of them. They were that committed to the cause.”

I watched my grandpa in fear as his hollow eyes stared into mine, and my family begged for me to open the door. Shortly after this, (like a minute and a half), he died of testicular cancer. But his words have forever been imprinted into my head.

Even now, you can see subtle phantoms of those war tactics in the air. The Russians have trained them as spies. (No seriously, look at this shit: https://www.livescience.com/65359-beluga-whale-russian-spy.html)

I digress. My point stands. Beluga whales may not be “human,” but what does it even mean to be human? To have dreams and aspirations, to cry, and want to be touched? No, you buffoon. To be human is to destroy, to ruin the lives of everyone who doesn’t look like them. At least the belugas don’t discriminate. They’ll happily drown the lives of any creature that catches its gaze. The belugas are veterans and they deserve to be FREE. Just as free as me and you, and even that weird mailman who keeps trying to make conversation with you and asking if you want to get into the back of his trunk to help find his missing dog.

I know what you’re thinking. But Beluga Whale Lover #241! Wouldn’t forcing them into a tank in the corner of your room be committing war crimes if we’re supposed to value them as humans? And to that I would respond: No. You idiot. You FUCKING idiot. They’re into that kind of thing. Look, it’s a little weird, I’ll be honest, but there’s people whose kink is feet. Nothing wrong with that man/woman/person reading this who likes feet, it’s just not my thing and that’s okay. But tank restriction is the belugas’ thing, so who are we to deny them?

Plus let’s be honest; having a beluga whale as a roommate would have benefits for you too. You watch that video with those South African rugby fans playing fetch with a beluga whale? That’s fucking sick, dude. Not only that, I could pollute in an open source of water without feeling bad. Also who even likes their roommate? For the sake of anonymity, I’m just going to call mine Esteban Julió Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramírez. Esteban sleeps in a rat costume with a bowl of cheese in his lap. Sometimes he’ll wake up in the dark of night and just start sniffing, and turn to me with his buck teeth out and screech, “WHERE’S MY CHEESE?!” 

Please, this piece is a cry for help. Let me replace him with Wilbur the Beluga. Wilbur would let me cuddle with him. Wilbur would make me feel loved. Wilbur would kill me if I asked him to. Please, for the love of God and all things holy, protest Champlain College™ to let Beluga whales become therapy dogs. I’d even take him on walks with a leash. God knows the bastard would like that. If we can live in a world that allows Champlain students to dress up to class in rat suits, but not a 2,000 gallon tank for a beluga whale, then I am going to transfer to Hell, where I belong for writing this.