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Written by Chiv Astrologists

What’s up sluts! Let’s all get our love lives in check for this here Valentine’s Day season!

Some people call this a commercial and “Hallmark” holiday, but I know you sappy fucks wanna get in with someone.

Let’s get one thing straight (or gay, whatever tickles your fancy): stuff is about to get real, and y’all need to know the following:

FIRE SIGNS: Aries, Leo, Sagittarius

AIR SIGNS: Libra, Gemini, Aquarius

EARTH SIGNS: Taurus, Capricorn, Virgo

WATER SIGNS: Cancer, Pisces, Scorpio

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(March 21- April 19)

Yeah, you, Aries! We know you’ve been waiting to pounce on that one person from across the room for way too long. Capitalize on that opportunity and have some passionate I-hate-your-political-views kinda relations if you know what I mean. Aside from some SERIOUS hate sex, here are some V-day options to consider: a tension-filled evening staring at your partner from across the room at a party, or, who knows, MAYBE some mouth wrestling.



(April 20 – May 20)

Dominated by the symbol of the bull, Taurus, you’re one stubborn being. Are you too scared to admit your ~gay~ feelings for someone? Too scared to act on something in fear of being butthurt? Listen, Taurus, look up your moon sign, and figure out how to kick your affections into realities. Take your lover out for coffee and get over those intimidations!

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(May 21 – June 20)

What’s up you two-faced bitch! No negativity here, just spitting truths. Your vivid idealizations of your love interests have you questioning your own integrity this month. Lock your person down, and get down to business. As an Air sign, you’re bound to have those gushy, unavoidable feelings. You’re most likely circulating around 2-3 crushes at the moment, so let’s take those into action. Go swing on some swings! Smooch some lips! Get your freak on, Gemini.

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(June 21 – July 22)

Cancer, you’ve got a lot of feelings this month. Bound by the walls of your own fears, you’re really concerned with how your lover perceives you. May I suggest locking lips with an Earth sign? They will ground you. Quit worrying about the way you look naked and just start DOING IT. Any lover would feel HONORED to have you in their presence. Hold hands and walk in a park, write down your feelings, and put them under your emotional lock and key.

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(July 23 – August 22)

Leo, your fire-sign-induced passion has you BEGGING to be adored by all of those around you. You want a grand gesture from your lover this season, but it will be one by your own doing, of course. You’re more suited toward a carriage ride in the park, but suddenly breaking out into a musical number about how much you care about your partner. Wanting consistent adoration, you feel torn between two lovers. Pick one. Your suitors are dying for your Leo love!

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(August 23 – September 22)

Listen, Virgo, we all know you’ve been withholding all of your inner feelings about the same person for over three years now. Try to confess those feelings this season, and I’m sure your concealed love will be reciprocated. This season, your sentimental ass will want to go to the park where you wrote in your journal about that same three-year crush. Consider a hot chocolate date and some love letters this season, you little Earth sign you!

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(September 23 – October 22)

Ruled by the planet Venus (known for its relation to love and pleasure), Valentine’s Day is your day to THRIVE, Libra. Your gushy and romantic ass is just begging to be tapped into (both metaphorically and literally). Libra, let’s keep it real: you have over 1000 lovers, crushes, and probably more love letters than that chick from To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before. As far as dates go, let’s take it easy: some casual sex, and Chinese take-out with your lover.

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(October 23 – November 21)

Hey Scorpio, as much as I know you want to give your partner a bunch of random teeth in a jar, let’s keep it PG for romance, and R in the sheets, deal? Your Water sign flow-y-ness has you feeling ten types of confused, unsure of whether to make or break your current fling. Figure your shit out, set the mood with some candles, and get down to business, Scorpio.

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(November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius, let’s get down to business. We all know your independent ass doesn’t want to care about locking someone down this season. Little does your partner know, your passions burn strong. Can’t make up your mind on V-day plans this year? Have a pal’s night in, or maybe consider a quick hookup with that half-fling-thing you have cooking. We all know commitment isn’t exactly your middle name.

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(December 22 – January 19)

Hey you, you little Capricorn. This season, you’re continuing to intellectualize your feelings as a sense of comfort. We all know you have a parental kink, so just hit up your partner for those Daddy feels. Quit making spreadsheets about how to win over your partner, and just confess your love! If you’re looking for any date idea that isn’t solving the world’s next pressing issue—consider a dinner with your lover and maybe some fun afterwards ;)



(January 20 – February 19)

Already knowing you seem to want to do 2384023894 things with your partner, let’s narrow it down to a few things: EXPRESS and contain your emotions for once you messy fuck! Go to an art museum! Go fight fascists! I know your Aquarius self is way more down for an interactive date versus the typical awkward-sit-down-dinner-then-sex kinda vibe.

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(February 20 – March 20)

Hey, Pisces! No tears this V-day, okay? Your Water sign instincts are going to cause you to confess your undying love to that one person you’ve been half-dating for two months. A few tips for this year: make some art for them, take them to a concert, heck, who knows, get your freak on in a garden! We all know your idealistic date has to be gooey and flow-y just like you.

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