Horrorscopes – Your Destined Halloween Costume

Written by the Chiv Astrologists


Aries – Pin up Girl

(March 21 – April 19)

Oooh hey sailor! You’ll turn heads in a costume that shows off your bold side. Pin your hat on well so you don’t lose it while you dance!


Taurus – A sexy corn

(April 20 – May 20)

Mmmm did the triglyceride levels in here just spike? Nope, it’s just you Taurus, dressed as a super cute, high-fructose corn.


Gemini – A real housewife (of anywhere, it doesn’t matter)

(May 21 – June 20)

Just put a weird ruched dress over your regular nightmare drama personality and let the good times roll, Gemini!


Cancer – A nurse, but like an actual real nurse

(June 21 – July 22)

Someone’s gotta put all your friends in the recovery position! Saving lives is a never-ending job.


Leo – A massively stupid, possibly lifelong nicotine addiction

(July 23 – August 22)

Haha, mint or mango??


Virgo – The midterm grade slide

(August 23 – September 22)

How’s everyone’s Halloweekend going? Great! Remember that you have a six page paper and two reading responses due on Friday. Don’t forget!


Libra – The great pacific garbage patch

(September 23 – October 22)

Wow Libra! Making waves at your next Halloween party! The best thing about this costume is that you can slowly start to accumulate everyone’s used cups to add to your ’fit throughout the night. We’re choking the life out of our own planet!


Scorpio – Your parents divorce

(October 23 – November 21)

A great couples’ costume! We’re your parents, and we’re doing a divorce. Scary!


Sagittarius – The undeniable reality of your own mortality

(November 22 – December 21)

Isn’t it spooky how one day death will come for you? And you have no idea when he will come knocking on your door? Like, it could be in the next year. And you’d just be in the ground. Alone. Hope no one forgets about you.


Capricorn – Impending seasonal depression

(December 22 – January 19)


Aquarius – Apathy in the face of the destruction of our own democracy

(January 20 – February 19)

It’s just one vote, what does it matter?


Pisces – A Ladybug

(February 20 – March 20)

Awww, cute!




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