Written by the Chiv Astrologists
(March 21- April 19)
At the end of March you’ll have so much Aries energy you won’t even
know what to do with yourself. Here are some tips— yell a lot! Set your futon on fire! Befriend your middle school bullies! Set them on fire!
(April 20 – May 20)
This is the month to align your chakras and change your attitude.
Take up yoga, buy a candle, and listen to “Africa” by Toto a minimum of three times per day. By April, you’ll be good as new.
(May 21 – June 20)
Good news Gemini! Your financial troubles are over— this month
you’ll be swimming in money! Drowning in money! You might need to buy a whole in-ground pool for your money! You’ll have so much money you wont know what to do with it! Buy 749 iced coffees!
(June 21 – July 22)
We’ve noticed your deep and sensitive soul has been having a hard
time feeling deep and sensitive lately. We suggest you go to the skatepark and try to learn to skateboard. When you fall and break a hand, that’ll put you back in your comfortable brooding funk.
(July 23 – August 22)
You talk over everyone, you never say please or thank you, the only
horoscope you read is your own, and you only hold the door open for yourself. I’d tell you to pull your head out of your ass, but it’s probably best for everyone if it stays there for a while. You’re in time out Leo, at least until you learn to play well with the other children.
(August 23 – September 22)
You know that box of childhood art in your mom’s closet that
you’ve been avoiding for years? Pull it out! Have a good cry over the cotton ball sheep you made when you were five! You’ll never make anything as good as that cotton ball sheep.
(September 23 – October 22)
We know you haven’t had it easy for the past few months.
Take a break Libra, your soul needs to recharge. Blow off all of your plans, use all of your class skips, and run away to California for a week or two.
(October 23 – November 21)
This month, make an effort to actually listen to the songs
people recommend to you. That means listen the whole way through— don’t just give it the good ole skim-and-skip. Someone other than you actually might know a thing or two about music. Shocking, we know.
(November 22 – December 21)
It’s a Sagittarius world and we’re all just living in it. They know it, we know it, you know it— own that shit. No one at that gross grungy basement party you weren’t invited to is cool enough to talk to you anyways.
(December 22 – January 19)
You’ve been missing Capricorn season when everything
was all about YOU. Our advice? Treat yourself to dinner and have a public meltdown. Smash some dishes, yell at some undeserving waitresses, and get kicked out for shaving your head over someone’s shrimp scampi. That’ll get them all to pay attention to you again.
(January 20 – February 19)
This month is gonna be rough after February’s partial solar eclipse in your sign. Bunker down, light some candles, and chug gallon of milk— maybe you’ll learn something.
(February 20 – March 20)
We’re coming to the end of Pisces season, and you’re feeling
sad about it. Just remember that the sooner your season ends, the closer we are to summer, which means you can go back to posting thirst traps with captions like “beach day with my bitches,” or “North posted this while playing games on my phone. Not sure why or how she chose it but I’m not complaining! LOL…”