Your Horrorscopes for October

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Halloween is approaching, Mars is wildin’ out, and a newfound energy is about to get all up in your business this month. aries


(March 21- April 19)

There is a strong influence to team up and use a likeminded friend to sort through some personal goals. Two heads are better than one — ever heard of Twitches? We freaking hope so.



(April 20 – May 20)

The need to switch things up this month is a feeling we can all relate to, dear Taurus. Your confidence is through the roof. Step up, step out, and don’t be afraid to shine. Your perfect Halloween costume = Statue of Liberty; now that’s one fierce bitch.



(May 21 – June 20)

There’s enough spooky shit going on for all of us this time of year, sweet Gemini. Focus on the positive, and listen to your girlfriends. Your heart is spewing fake blood all over your costume, anyway.



(June 21 – July 22)

Don’t let a personal issue ruin your Halloweekend. Sort out the drama before the pregame. Then, maybe by your fifth tequila shot you won’t yell at that kid in your way to the bathroom.



(July 23 – August 22)

Costume or not, we know you’re the star of the show. Don’t leave the crew behind this Halloween. Snooki needs her JWoww, The Situation needs his Pauly D, and honestly Sammi really does need Ronnie.



(August 23 – September 22)

Halloween is expensive af. With a new focus on cashflow, PartyCity may not be in your best interest. Send it to GoodWill, and don’t be afraid to look through the mothballs.



(September 23 – October 22)

You may be feeling a bit spontaneous this time of year, fellow Libra. Instead of buying that glamorous rainbow wig you’ve had your eye on, you may have to settle for the seasonal aisle at RiteAid. We hear the blogs love the temporary spray on color — super chic!



(October 23 – November 21)

Tis the season, Scorpio. It’s your time to👏 be👏 you. Do things you’ll regret; no one will remember, anyway. Hit on frat-boy Obama, even if Michelle is standing right there.



(November 22 – December 21)

Halloween is all about new beginnings. Just kidding, that’s New Year’s, idiots.

Halloween is about embracing your inner dumptruck. Let loose, stay cute, and make sure to walk your friends home.



(December 22 – January 19)

We know you’d rather stay in and watch Hocus Pocus, but those witches are stirring the pot and you should, too. Enjoy yourself, rip your heels off, and don’t be worried about bringing that nip of Tanqueray into the bar; it’s our little secret.



(January 20 – February 19)

We get it, you’re Posh Spice. But Posh would be nothing without Sporty, Scary, Baby, and Ginger. Your solo career looks promising, but don’t forget to thank the people doing your hair and makeup before the show.



(February 20 – March 20)

Mars is about to be up your ass, but in the best way possible. An increase in courage and energy will leave you feeling like the belle of the ball, or in millennial terms, “hot.”


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