"NEWS" / Feature / February 2017 / Kerry Cunningham

Adele Initiated Into Illuminati

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On February 12, 2017, something historic occurred at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, California. An ancient goddess known to the public as Beyoncé was nominated for Best Album of the Year against Queen Adele and other irrelevant nominees at the 59th Annual Grammy Awards.

According to the Book of Bey, if said goddess does not win a rightfully deserved award, the planet called Earth will explode immediately after the Grammys are over. Adele won Best Album of the Year, and it seemed to be the end as we knew it.

A study showed that most were somewhat okay with the Earth coming to an end because of the recent United States presidential election. It was as if everyone agreed that if there was any chance that Earth was going to blow up, Beyoncé should be the one to do it.

Anyway, as Adele moved one step closer to the stage, the ground and everything else that makes up a planet began to shake and crumble. The time had come.

Celebrities in the audience clutched their awards and stacks of mo—Rihannaatthe2015BETAwardsisstillmyhero—ney, while people at home stared at their televisions as their pets live tweeted for them.

Then, something historic happened.

“I can’t possibly accept this award. I’m very humbled and very grateful and gracious, but my artist of my life is BEYONCÉ.”

The ground stopped shaking and crumbling. All of the power in the Staples Center turned off.

Suddenly, the room was lit with thousands of candles. Adele was surrounded by hundreds of people wearing maroon-colored hooded robes. The initiation had begun.

Suddenly, the ancient goddess Beyoncé flew down from above. Adele broke the Grammy award in half and bowed down. The hooded figures chanted, Okay, ladies, now let’s get in formation. The chanting got louder and louder until Beyoncé’s wings opened wide in front of Adele. As Beyoncé opened her wings, the chanting reached maximum volume. Once it reached its peak, the chanting came to a complete stop.

Beyoncé leaned down unto Adele and put her mouth to Adele’s ear. A hooded figure asked Adele if she was ready to receive the word of the ancient goddess, to which Adele nodded. Beyoncé looked into the camera as she whispered, I got hot sauce in my bag, swag.

Her wings closed onto Adele, and she was never to be seen again.

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