Thanks, Obama

If you’re telling people you didn’t cry during President Barack Obama’s farewell address, you’re lying to them and to yourself.

“It’s great to be home,” he says. You don’t even have to live in Chicago, and when Barack says he’s home, you are almost positive that his home is also your home. His “final ask” as president: “I am asking you to believe. Not in my ability to bring about change—but in yours.” ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE US COLLAPSE AT YOUR COLE-HAANS WEARING FEET, AS WE BEG YOU TO TUCK US INTO OUR BEDS, BARRY? How are we supposed to live without you telling us how to live?

Okay, I understand why it’s impossible for him to stay in office for four more years. He’s already been there for eight years, which is super exhausting, and I get it. One time, I was at the same school for eight years. It was grammar school, but I, like, totally feel for him. Those were hard times.

But, who the ~hell~ does this man think he is, telling us that we were the change? What makes HIM think he can tell us how proud he is of US? Doesn’t he know that the worst kind of compliments are ones we’ve already said to him? It’s like, make up your own compliments, Barry. We can’t do everything for you.

To go along with that, why is he lying to us? “My fellow Americans, it has been the honor of my life to serve you.” What do you mean, your honor? We screwed up so much. Half of this country refuses to accept the amazing things you did for us, but hey, praise us anyway.

Barack Obama is the reason why my new year’s resolution is to stop saying the word “hate.” Not once has he said that he hates Donald Trump. Instead, he just low-key states beautiful sentences in his speeches like, “If you’re tired of arguing with strangers on the Internet, try talking with one in real life.” This leads me to believe that Donald Trump is not a real person because he has never once argued with anyone (but Hillary) outside of the Internet. This also leads me to believe that Obama knows that Trump is not, in fact, a real person and was trying to warn us that our next president is actually a virus on Twitter. Thanks, Obama.

This brings me to my final point. Barack, you t-shirt-tucked-into-your-jean-shorts beautiful, delicious man: thank you. You’re right about us being your greatest accomplishment as president. Many might deny it, but you’ve changed how millennials judge and view the world. I may be wrong, but our generation might be the generation that has gotten involved with politics and worldly issues at a younger age than any other generation. You did that, Mr. President.

I will literally do anything Barack Obama says. In his farewell speech, he said, “If you’re disappointed by your elected officials, grab a clipboard, get some signatures, and run for office yourself.” Like I said, I will do anything he tells me to do.

What I’m trying to say is, you heard it here first. I am running for office against Donald Trump in the 2020 election because Barry told me to.

Anyway, back to my final point. Thanks for your kids, Malia and Sasha. They are so freaking cool. I’m older than both of them, and I look up to them. Well, I guess I also look up to them physically because they’re tall as hell. They are such smart, young women, and I feel privileged to have grown up with them in the White House. Please tell them to follow me on Instagram.

Thank you for your wife, Michelle. She has done just as much as you have for this country, and I don’t think your career these past eight years would have gone as well without her. I don’t know if this was, like, an FDR/Eleanor Roosevelt thing where she did a lot of his presidential duties when he couldn’t, but I’m pretty sure Michelle could have taken over for you at any moment and done just as well. Wait, I don’t have to say this to Barack. Michelle, you’re the best. Please come to my 20th birthday party in March. It’ll be pretty exclusive, so don’t worry about fake fans knocking on my door.

And most importantly, thank you for Joe Biden. Ugh, Joe. You’re a special soul. Whenever you wink and point at literally anything, I immediately think, My man. Joe has no flaws. Maybe it’s just me, but I have no idea how Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson beat out Joe Biden for People’s Sexiest Man Alive this year. Crooked Dwayne stole that role. This is what some would consider to be embezzlement.

Thanks, Obama, for making me believe in myself and in my country, even though our country is tripping on some bad acid right now. It’s, like, some pretty bad acid. I don’t know who the hell they bought it from. I don’t wanna call anyone out on it, but I did hear that this acid came from a shirtless man riding bareback on a stallion. America obviously doesn’t do that many drugs if they trusted someone who looked like that.

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