"NEWS" / Noah Kozlowski / September 2016

Study Shows Humans Should Consume 6-8 Metric Tons of Water Per Day

A new study conducted by researchers at Johnson & Johnson recently found that the average American Human should be consuming at least six to eight metric tons of water every day (or about 12,000 lbs. for the common man). Head scientist of the study, Theo R.F. Switzickswalzakc, working entirely off of a hunch, was able to prove his theory on water consumption that he calls “C2-Hemoglobite Cell Refreshment Pasteurization Cycling”

“After the experiment, the subjects on the new system were not thirsty at all. The controls however, were still thirsty af.”  Switzickswalzakc went on to say that the only way to truly be healthy and also prevent cancer is to increase your water consumption by at least 10,000% by the year 2018. He also felt the need to add that the only way to be sure of where your water is coming from is to buy bottled.

“The truth is, America has lots old pipes. And with the Zika virus, what happened in Michigan, and also the Flint water crisis, it is nearly most impossible to be drinking clean, healthy water. Like the water from Poland Springs. That is just one example of many.” Switzickswalzakc clarified that areas like Fiji and also Sweden have been able to produce somewhat acceptable water for consumption.

“We live in a country full of so much water. We owe it to the rest of the world to drink the right amount, and not settle for room temperature and rust. We are what we drink, and we think what we drink. And to truly wet the mind, we must first wet the body and soul. Of which there is only one way to be sure, and it’s 6 metric tons. I’m Serious.”

In an unrelated incident, Switzickswalzakc was admitted to an area hospital late Sunday night for what was said to be BPA poisoning. Before that he was last seen at the Portland Mall with a staggeringly disruptive cough and large hairy breasts.

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When asked to comment on the study, Governor Paul LaPage was quoted saying, “What the fuck was that guys name? Have his papers checked. And you, get out. Do I look like a guy that drinks water to you?”

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