Let it be known that day drinking is not for those of you who’ve got your shit together, or even those of you who want people to think you’ve got your shit together. Day drinking is for those of us who are an absolute mess and know it. I just turned 19, which blows, so I’m trying to cope with that by day drinking. In fact, I do it so often that my latest birthday gift was a plastic wine glass with a lid and straw. Straws dramatically increase the amount you drink because now you don’t even have to taste your poor choices.
So how do you day drink? You might think that you just pick up a bottle of whatever you find in your roommate’s liquor drawer, but it’s not that easy. Do that, and you’ll be waking up in a pool of your own vomit on the IKEA comforter your mom bought you last Christmas. As bad as having rules sounds, it beats the hell out of washing José Cuervo out of your hair when your roommate is on their way to the farmer’s market.
There’s some weird unwritten rule somewhere that day drinking is classy when done by adults aged 28+, but that’s just not true. If everyone eating brunch at 11 AM can drink mimosas and Bloody Mary’s until they stumble home at 2 PM, then So. Can. I.
Besides, a single mimosa is 200+ calories; add the eggs Benedict and fruit compote from the rest of your meal, and you basically ate an entire day’s worth of food in three hours. Boxed wine—on the other hand—only has around 100 calories, and if you’re drinking boxed wine you definitely can’t afford eggs Benedict, which saves both time and money.
Here are some non-negotiable rules to start with:
Start early. End Late.
You want to start around 11 am and end at about 7 pm; that’s 8 hours of time you could’ve spent writing a paper, but instead you’re doing something productive. It takes real moxie to stick to drinking for that long, but that’s what college is about. Find yourself at the bottom of a solo cup.
Location. Location. Location.
Day drinking at the beach/in someone’s apartment vs. day drinking behind a dumpster. There is a difference. Know it. When you inevitably need to pee, think about where you want your genitals—in a (relatively) clean toilet or behind a bush next to rotting road kill.
No hard liquor.
At least until you’ve gotten past dinner, count on shitty beer and boxed wine to get you through lunch. Everyone loves a fun, carefree drunk. No one likes helping a hysterical, mean drunk back to their dorm room at 4 pm on a Tuesday. Get it together, bitch. You may not be classy, but you don’t need to be that.
Don’t get discouraged.
If you throw up, keep going. Many people take throwing up as a sign that their body is begging them to stop putting alcohol inside of it. But you know what? Throwing up just makes more room for the fresh alcohol that’s about to cleanse that gross feeling you get from vomit sticking to your chin. Embrace it.
Even on a liberal college campus, there are going to be some people who look at you holding a PBR on a Sunday morning and think “Ew.” Learn to be okay with that. The allure of day drinking is only beautiful when you understand that it’s not beautiful at all. But you are, so drink to that.
And finally, just do you. Don’t think about why you’re drinking or your place in the world or why that guy you hooked up with behind a Denny’s won’t answer your texts. Day drinking, unlike it’s counterpart Night Drinking, is gross and trashy in the best way possible.