Braces Freshly Off, Fall Out Boy Held High

May 6, 2003. I was (probably) eating mud in my backyard, seven years old and utterly unaware that this would be the most formative day of my life. According to Google, there was a literal tornado in Southern Illinois—a tornado I have renamed The Tornado of Emo, raging through suburbia as Fall Out Boy, a…

Taylor Swift Murders Small Living Creatures

During a recent vacation to Hawaii, paparazzi discovered that pop princess Taylor Swift slaps at mosquitos that land on her perfect porcelain skin. “This is absolutely disgusting,” said FOX News in a broadcast. “For somebody who is such a champion of shaking things off, we were horrified to discover that Swift actually murders God’s innocent…