Written by Jordan Coolbeth
Art by Christopher Chapman
Note from the Chivomengro team:
Recently one of our writers, Jordan Coolbeth, had the opportunity to interview a currently unknown third-party candidate. This interview was recorded, and below is the official transcript. Unfortunately, this candidate neglected to tell us their name at any point during the interview and has ignored any requests for clarification before and since. Instead, he kept sending us pamphlets about the aliens of galaxy X Æ A-12. Upon further inspection, we’re not sure they ever filled out the proper paperwork to be an official presidential candidate and are unlikely to show up on any ballots. We hope you find this interview informative, regardless.
File: Candidate_Interview.mp3
Duration: 0:27:32
Date: September 19, 2024
START AUDIO
| Coolbeth: | My name is Jordan Coolbeth, and I’m here today with a new presidential candidate! This widely unknown third-party presidential candidate sat down with us to address the nation in response to their lack of invitation to the official presidential debate. ABC claimed they did this because this candidate is not “media trained,” but we believe the American people should hear from an unbiased politician for a change. Our first question for you today is: How do you feel about the fact that you were not invited to the official debate? |
Presidential Candidate: | It’s ridiculous how major news outlets constantly ignore third-party candidates. How are Americans expected to make an informed decision when over half of the candidates are blocked out of some of the most important parts of the campaigns? The only news outlet that was even willing to interview me was some random college magazine. I deserve better treatment than this! |
Coolbeth: | Well, thank you for joining us today, even if we aren’t your first choice. Moving on to the official questions: Regarding the economy, do you believe Americans are better off than they were four years ago? |
Presidential Candidate: | There’s something suspicious going on in our economy, and it didn’t just start four years ago. Take a look at this graph I brought: |
Coolbeth: | You just had that in your pocket? |
Presidential Candidate: | Yes, I did. Just look at the inflation rates from the past 50 years compared to the minimum wage. Notice anything strange? |
Presidential Candidate: | If the minimum wage is increasing so much faster than the value of money is decreasing, why do we still have so many financial problems? Why is it so hard to afford college? Why is it so hard to buy a house? Why are medical bills so expensive? There’s some factor here we aren’t considering. The root cause of all our economic problems has been hidden from the public. My opponents know the truth, but they hide it with talk of taxes and tariffs. Look at our population growth. The US population grows by 0.9% every year. In 2021 approximately 3.6 million babies were born and 3 million people died. That’s an increase in population of only 600,000 people, only a 0.2% increase! Where are all of these extra people coming from? I’ll tell you where they’re coming from: aliens are invading our country! They’re traveling to America from the galaxy X Æ A-12, shapeshifting into humans, and falsifying records to immigrate to America and assimilate with us. They’re making the population grow so rapidly that our economy can’t support it and is slowly crumbling.My opponents are both fully aware of this problem, but they’re hiding it from you with lies about taxes and tariffs. Do you want a liar for a president? You can trust me to be honest with the people and finally take action regarding the illegal aliens invading our country. |
Coolbeth: | Well, that’s certainly a new take on the issue. How did you discover the existence of these aliens? |
Presidential Candidate: | I haven’t been able to reveal any yet, but the numbers don’t lie! Once I’m president, I’ll dedicate a task force to unveiling these imposters and freeing our country from them once and for all. |
Coolbeth: | You’ve evidently put a lot of thought into this plan. Given your concern, I would assume this is meant to be a very large task force. Would this weaken other sections of the military? |
Presidential Candidate: | Of course, but it is a worthwhile investment. There is no greater threat to our safety than the aliens. I’ll dedicate the entire military to this task if need be. |
Coolbeth: | You mentioned before that your opponents were covering up the truth with lies about tariffs and taxes. However, your opponents seem as though they will follow through on plans regarding these tariffs. Trump in particular has mentioned his plans to impose tariffs on foreign goods. What are your opinions on this plan? Do you believe Americans can afford higher prices caused by tariffs? |
Presidential Candidate: | What good are tariffs going to do? Stop other countries from trading with us? We are at war with the aliens of galaxy X Æ A-12. In times like this, we should be encouraging trade and communication across all human lands. Even our founding fathers knew this. |
Source: Philadelphia Encyclopedia
Presidential Candidate: | They knew a nation divided could not stand against the threat of the British. Now, a world divided cannot stand against the threat of illegal aliens. If I am elected, I will do everything in my power to join forces with our fellow nations and save Earth from this imminent threat. |
Coolbeth: | That does seem like a reasonable plan given your concerns. I think we can all agree that peace between nations is a good thing, with or without alien threats. During the debate, questions came up regarding Trump’s trustworthiness on the topic of abortion given his statements in support of both sides of the debate. What are your thoughts on Trump’s abortion views? Should the American people trust him? |
Presidential Candidate: | My opponents can’t be trusted. Trump has known about the illegal aliens for years, but he covers it all up by pretending the real problem is human immigrants. He did nothing to solve the problem while he was president, and will continue to ignore the real problems if elected again. Biden did nothing to help, either. Has he said anything about the aliens? No. If he is reelected, he will continue to ignore the problem and let the aliens take over. If my opponents are willing to lie about the potential end of the world, how can you trust them not to lie about everything else? I may not be the most experienced politician in the room. I may be the only one here who has never been president before. However, I assure you that if I am elected you can trust me to be honest with you and uncover the truth about our nation. |
Coolbeth: | Thank you for that insightful comment. Can you please answer the question regarding Trump’s views on abortion? |
Presidential Candidate: | Why would the aliens be interested in a baby? |
Coolbeth: | Let’s just move on from that topic. Your opponents have both voiced their opinions on the topic of immigration. What would you do differently from previous administrations regarding immigration policy? |
Presidential Candidate: | All this talk about immigrants is just to distract us from the real problems at hand. Immigrants are not the problem. The aliens are. |
Coolbeth: | A response completely in line with all of your previous answers. Never let it be said that you are inconsistent. Would you comment on the topic of human immigrants? |
Presidential Candidate: | At the end of the day, we are all humans and must do everything in our power to protect each other. Who cares where your neighbor is from as long as they’re from Earth? Who cares what they look like as long as they’re actually a human and not just a shapeshifting alien? At least the immigrants are human. If I’m elected, I will gladly open our borders to any and all humans and refocus the efforts of our military to protect everyone from illegal aliens. |
Coolbeth: | Well, if there are aliens in the country, more humans probably aren’t our biggest concern. During the debate, it was brought up that Trump has made several threats to arrest his opponents if elected. Do you believe Trump is attempting to intimidate his opponents and suppress the vote by threatening to arrest them? |
Presidential Candidate: | It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t intimidate me. No human will ever be as much of a threat to my safety as the aliens are. |
Coolbeth: | Fair enough. Many Americans are concerned about the ongoing conflict in other nations. What steps would you take to end international conflicts? |
Presidential Candidate: | My foreign policy regarding war is the same as my foreign policy regarding trade. There is no reason for us humans to fight amongst ourselves. A world divided cannot stand against the threat of illegal aliens. If I become president, I will expose the alien invasion and unite all humans across the globe against our common enemy. Together, we will defeat the illegal aliens and save our planet. I truly believe that without the threat of alien invasion, humans can achieve world peace. |
Coolbeth: | World peace seems like a difficult goal to achieve. Are you sure you can accomplish it in just four years as president? |
Presidential Candidate: | Who said I was only staying for four years? If Franklin D. Roosevelt could be elected for four consecutive terms, I see no reason why I cannot achieve the same. Besides, if America was worried about switching over presidents during WWII, I expect they will have the same concerns during the war against the aliens of galaxy X Æ A-12. |
Coolbeth: | You are aware that since FDR’s presidency, the 22nd Amendment was passed—a Constitutional Amendment that limits all presidents to two terms, regardless of ongoing war? |
Presidential Candidate: | I think you need to check your facts. If FDR did it, so can I. |
Coolbeth: | Moving on, Trump has made multiple comments regarding the race of his opponent, and concerns were recently raised about why he finds this so important. What are your opinions on these comments? |
Presidential Candidate: | See? My opponents are so distracted by things like race and country borders that they fail to see the real issue: the alien invasion. Besides, why are two white men arguing about race anyway? Biden and Trump aren’t that different. |
Coolbeth: | The comments were made regarding Kamala Harris, the current Vice President of the United States and Democratic presidential candidate, not President Biden. Do you have any further comments regarding Trump’s comments? |
Presidential Candidate: | My point still stands. Aliens are the issue, not humans. |
Coolbeth: | Of course. Questions have been raised about the continuation of Obamacare. If you are elected, what actions will you take regarding this program? |
Presidential Candidate: | Aliens cannot be trusted not to abuse public services, so I plan to get rid of all of them. No more schools, police, fire departments, or public healthcare options. The only way to stop the aliens from gaining access to them is by getting rid of them entirely. |
Coolbeth: | Are you at all concerned about how that may affect the citizens of the United States? You propose to completely abolish all police and fire departments across the United States? That seems like an extreme solution. |
Presidential Candidate: | All of our problems are caused by the aliens. With the aliens gone, we won’t need them anymore. Besides, it’s worth the risk to finally rid our country of these invaders. |
Coolbeth: | So you believe that all criminals are aliens in disguise? And that all fires are the result of aliens or their technology? |
Presidential Candidate: | Exactly. I’m glad someone here can see the world for what it is. |
Coolbeth: | That was meant for clarification. I never said I agreed. |
Presidential Candidate: | I’m not sure I understand. |
Coolbeth: | Nevermind. One final question before your closing statement: What is your plan to solve climate change? |
Presidential Candidate: | Do you still believe that humans are the cause of climate change? Absolutely not! It’s those aliens. Their technology was not meant for Earth’s atmosphere, and excessive use is destroying our planet. Once we get rid of the aliens, everything will go back to normal. |
Coolbeth: | Of course. I’m not sure what else I expected. Well, do you have any final comments before we conclude this interview? |
Presidential Candidate: | Every single one of those main party candidates is lying to you. They have been for years. If you want a president who will tell you the truth, vote for me this November! |
END AUDIO