• Guinea pigs, mice, rats, you name it. The perfect contained little friend. 

Mulled wine 

• Have you ever wanted to get drunk but also feel better than everyone at the same time? Mulled wine is the answer. Not only are you classier than anyone else at the party, but the warm spices create an enormous sense of well-being for the perfect hazy wine-drunk moment. Figure out the mechanics of having mulled wine at a party on your own, I can’t do everything for you.

Starting fights online and then turning off your phone 

• This is a personal favorite of mine. The best victims are UVM students. For example, I once got a ‘“UVM ‘fits’” video in my feed. I immediately commented “Daddy’s money core”, closed the app, and didn’t return for the rest of the day. When I reopened TikTok, I had some very angry UVM goers with lots to say to me. The trick here is never to reply. Let them fight with the wall. And if you think I’m mean, remember that UVM students laugh at us, I’m simply returning the energy. ‘Tis the season of giving, after all.

Internet privacy 

• I should not be able to discover your entire life story by searching your name on Instagram. Did we not learn internet safety in library class? Keep your pages private, keep your follower count low. If you wouldn’t say hi to someone in passing, you don’t need to follow each other on Instagram. 

Out: 

Wearing your boyfriend’s high school sportswear (worse if it has his last name on it) 

• Grow up. We are not in high school. It does not matter that he was first-string on the JV soccer team. He’s not anymore, is he? Also, every time I see a girl wearing her boyfriend’s last name, it conveys a weird sense of ownership. Wear your own last name! I know you people were in the band or something and have your own hoodie lying around somewhere, wear that instead. 

The Front Bottoms 

• Whiney in the worst way. This year, let’s find something with better lyricism and no voice cracks to be depressed to, perhaps something from the Chivomengro playlist ;) 

Splitting checks 

• I know you have Venmo or some other payment app (if you don’t have a payment app, you are the problem and everyone thinks you’re weird.) You do not need to make the waitress split the check five ways.

Kids with trust funds pretending they’re hippies

• You can just smoke weed like a normal person. Put the tie dye down and pick up the Vineyard Vines your mother bought you. Before you come for me, I work at a commune turned tourist trap with people who live in buses and think Bob Marley sacrificed himself to save them. (My coworker lived in Jamaica and overdosed at the same time as him. He died, she lived. She believes his soul is now inside her. I’m dead serious.) Are their brains scrambled from all the acid and the pot? 1000%, but they understand the true meaning of being a hippie: rejecting the conventional values of capitalism, doing drugs, and enjoying the splendors of nature. Do you wear that outfit on the yearly trip to the Martha’s Vineyard house? Didn’t think so. 

Being stingy among friends 

• If you are making your friends pay you back for a five-dollar cup of coffee, you don’t actually like this person. Don’t you want to do something nice for the people in your life? Keeping track of every cent you’re owed is only taking away from your own time and well-being. Learn to feel the joy of doing something nice for others.