Coronado Boyzzz

Written by: Nick Feeney

Art by: Izzy Dickey

 

Y’all ever wanna fuck up a beach party full of bourgeoisie?

Let’s get some context before we talk about the adventures of preteens and or teenaged children’s exploits in Coronado. Coronado is a tiny peninsula right off of the bay of San Diego, the host city of one of the biggest annual comic book conventions: Comic-Con.  And of course, I somehow have a familial connection to a large television company that appears frequently.

To be less vague, my older sister works for AMC, the company behind works such as Breaking Bad, Mad Men, and The Walking Dead. She works as a Public Relations representative, a job she describes as “glorified cat-sitting” in which she arranges nearly every aspect of a celebrities’ travel, hotel, and food for their entire stay in San Diego. So, fairly regularly, my big sis is booking rooms for designated badasses like Bryan Cranston, or Andrew Lincoln, and very often Norman Reedus. However, it somehow turns out the celebrities can be uptight, stuck-up individuals when it comes to housing accommodations, meaning that more often than not, they are staying at a hotel called the Hotel del Coronado, a historically famous hotel known for being expensive as all hell. Starting at around $609 dollars a night during this season, these celebs will opt for beachside villas whenever possible, which could cost about $3500 a night, per celebrity.  Little does AMC know, they are paying for much more than just beachside villas for their very important actors, they are paying for the Coronado experience.

Okay, now I want you to picture the richest California kids you can possibly imagine. So rich that just being in their presence drives you feral and sets off every fight or flight reaction you could imagine. Now picture those kids living in an area minutes away from one of the biggest Californian cities. Yeah. So that’s what we’re dealing with here. These kids are ruthless; absolutely bloodthirsty. Dangerous enough to steal any, and I mean any, booze they can get their slimy little mittens on. So you can only imagine what Comic Con season is to them, like wolves congregating on the front lawn of rabbits.  

All of these so-called actors gather on the beaches daily to party away the fear and loathing of a comic book convention in the form of bonfires, day drinking, and other relaxing beach activities. This is when they strike. The Coronado kids go on their warpath, stealing every alcoholic beverage and kicking umbrellas over like it’s a beachside frat party. On multiple occasions, I’ve heard the story of Walking Dead cast members fighting off teenagers for their champagne and losing. I mean, wow. These Coronado kids have this shit figured out.

So yeah. That’s the end of this journey. Not many lessons to learn here I guess, unless you count, “you get what you deserve, especially snobby actors.” Or maybe the lesson is that Coronado kids are still cooler than me even to this day.