A Scorpio Trying to Understand Emotions

scorpio

Written by: “James”

Art by: Alyssa Luongo

 

When we leave home, we leave our family. We leave our “pack” so to speak. And with that, we become lonely as a result of the loss of that deep close physical connection that was always there. That loneliness never really goes away, until the next thing that fills that hole comes into your life. For many people entering college, that thing is a person. Sometimes they’re looking for it intentionally but sometimes it falls into their lap unexpectedly, as they didn’t realize it was what they really wanted. 

That person becomes part of you as they fill the divide. That’s the classic part of Love. My friend John Reese says it pretty well, “When you find that one person who connects you to the world, you become someone different, someone better.”

Now that connection, that lust for a bond, comes to everyone at one point or another. But the thirst for it starts when we humans finally come to terms with the first big change in our developing environment, which is when we leave our family, our pack, that we’ve been with since birth. For a lot of people, I’ve noticed that time has been in highschool (in preparation for college)  and obviously college. Dating and relationships start to take priority for average folks in highschool and college, respectively. 

For ya boi, dating and relationships didn’t come into my life until this year. For the first three years of college and the entirety of highschool, all of that was never a priority. Hell, I never even thought of it. It’s always been about getting a successful job as defined by my parents and me. I know, I know, we Asian as f0ck ;) #BrownBoisRepresent. But being in the Endgame now, and knowing that I’m gonna achieve my main priorities and goals that I’ve had driving me for so long, I’m afraid. Unlike a lot of other peeps. I didn’t go looking for a hot chick or a good pal to fill my gap. Well not exactly…instead I devoted myself to an idea. The idea of a better self discipled, more improved penguin. A better James. 

That idea and its goals filled my gap that grew when I became alone. The thing about that though is it doesn’t fulfill that human need for someone who truly understands you. Someone who will always be there. So now as I fight this final war in the Endgame, I’m going back in time, looking to the past for help with my future. Because now that I’m about to achieve that improved version of myself, my priorities have shifted. I’m gonna get everything I wanted ever since I was wearing my Captain America graphic tees. But now that void is back cause it was never actually filled correctly. You see the problem with devoting yourself to an idea, Batman style, is that once that idea becomes reality, the emptiness within comes back. So with the fear of that void being back as I enter the real world, it’s now become my main priority to practice my non existent “being seductive/relationship/dating skills.” I have to be ready for when I enter the real world and I start to be serious, and look for some hot Bollywood actress or Miss Universe I can marry. 

Lol that’s why we make friends! It’s that fear of being terrible with the first woman I genuinely like after college that has kicked my ass a year before I graduate. So now I’m catching up and crash coursing on all these things that  “everyone else” has had a decent amount of practice with. (By everyone else I mean the people around me that I’m using as a sample dataset. Remember, I’m a nerd; I try to science and math my way outta everything.)

 For example, one thing I have to figure out is what I myself actually want in a woman. I don’t even know how to describe that with my current vocabulary. What am I even attracted to… Am I an Ass Man? Who knows… So again I’ve started to try and go about it in my typical mastermind fashion and dive head first into the worst data source I can find, in the hope of being unbiased. What is that you say? Well, I thought it would be clever to go spend some time with the people with one of the hardest jobs on earth. Writers. I’m talking about learning from my peeps @Chivomengro bitches! How am I learning you may ask? Well good question… it’s a hard one to explain. But my eyes are peeled and my Dumbo ears are open. *shoutout to my fam for making fun of my ears when I was a child* I’m learning the most by writing for Chivomengro, opening myself to people that I normally wouldn’t, embracing my fears in hopes that I come out alive, a better person, because again, I’m scared. I’m afraid of graduating, afraid of love. Afraid of being loved, and afraid of loving. What does that even mean? Idk. But that’s why I’m so afraid. I fear that to which I don’t understand. On the bright side though, fear keeps us sharp.

Still, at this point I’m listenin’ to Usher like “What’s a man to do!” What’s a James to do!

The first thing I did when I started having thoughts about relationships, was freak the fuck out about not having any reasonable experience. So I went to survey all the people I could. I asked around twenty-five people questions like “What’s the most important thing for you when in a relationship? What does intimacy entail for you? Why have you been afraid of intimacy in the past? What’s the most important thing for you when in a relationship? When was the first time you were in a relationship? How do you talk about emotions? Obviously everyone knows that feelings are weird so how does one go about communicating?” 

Those are some hefty questions, and no one wants to answer those! But bitch I got genuine answers! Yea pretty crazy. Who the fuck goes around asking people those kinds of questions? Well I’ll tell you, this dumbass did. What else was I gonna do? I needed data to process, apparently I can get away with that type of shit :P I ended up getting a standard deviation of about 15% from the mean statement (Champlain students really want sex and real relationships). Let’s face it, what if that’s more of a hormonal thing? Is it all more of a primal urge, or just wanting that connection, and expressing that need because sex is a way to ensure an internal gap is being filled.

Here’s the thing. Although statistics, math, and science are fundamental aspects of the way I think and analyze the world, it’s not good enough. They don’t allow me to truly think for myself. I can be manipulated using statistics. There’s data issues. Check your assumptions. In fact it’s better if you don’t make assumptions at all when looking at a data set.

You Should Always Think For Yourself. Make Your Own Judgements. Because people can manipulate you using statistics, science and studies. For example, they make me compare myself to the sample in the study, which is bad.  Statistics can be used as ranks or percentages. I use them because I assume there’s enough credibility behind them. I need to stop. In fact my two pals Victor and Chris told me that going by the statistics of how dating is supposed to be is unhealthy, and instead I should actually write more about my feelings/emotions and maybe explain how I’m learning… how I’m letting go of the illusion of being in control of my “emotions,” how I’m becoming better with the help of friends and putting myself out there, like writing… for Chiv 😅. 

I suppose it’s not hard to express my emotions with Sex by Eden playing, throw back to my first year at Champlain. “It’s a sad song” the Chiv peeps say. I guess it is: Eden says “oh no, I think I’m catching feelings.” In 2016,  I didn’t know what it meant to catch feelings, it wasn’t a priority. I had tunnel vision that distracted me from dating and relationships. What does it mean to catch feelings? Hmm… I should prolly figure that one out, but why do I have to come up with answers when I can hack the system and have society tell me what to think. Hackers gonna hack! So what did I do? I surveyed people and gathered statistics?  Lol, PLOT TWIST: You have to accept your emotions, and makes yourself feel them to process it all. Because you can’t hack the system! All those questions are relative to each individual person. So when I conducted that survey and gathered those statistics, I was just distracting myself from answering the question for myself. So screw you Einstein and screw your theory of relativity! I have to learn to identify my feelings, work with and accept them. SO WHAT IS LOVE!?!? BABY DON’T HURT ME!!!!

As a senior, I can truly say most college kids have really started to work on their search, and honing in on their skills to fill that deep need for connection that stemmed from physically being with family all the time then being stripped away, or whatever; I’m not justifying it anymore *It’s taking every ounce of restraint not to* . I’m learning to focus in on my reflections a lil bit. TIME TO USE INTUITION. To think for myself. To feel my own emotions, that I’ve ignored for so many years. To find answers to the questions I never knew existed. 

All that being said. The four years of college come full circle. When being blinded by love I’m with EDEN, “Oh no, I think I’m catching feelings And I don’t know if this is empathy I feel. Just hold on. Remember why you said this was the last time.” Shit folks, that really is sad as fuck. 

We all gotta figure these things out at some point. For me it’s come pretty late, but if I find answers I’ll let you know. Maybe you’ll learn from my insanity. 

I guess all I can really say about this all is that it’s a Jamesventure! *cries internally*

Yours truly, ya boi James.