Written by Walter Proulx

A smartphone is the equivalent of a best friend; if you accidentally drop it in the ocean and you’d feel real bad.

Having this electronic rectangle of life is so important. Without my phone I’d be a complete mess, missing most of my classes due to sleeping in without my alarm. Point is, everyone’s phone has such a high importance, and the phone that’s been used every day isn’t just sitting there being your best buddy. It learns. Every word you type, every page you surf, it’s watching you. The tiny rectangle has a secret agenda: to mimic you. The thing is almost mastering your speech. One night, Apple and Samsung will probably activate all smartphones to have them assassinate us in our sleep, to take over our lives, and give these companies control of some rather pathetic college students such as myself. This thought is terrifying, as I do have confessions my phone could make. For example, I’ve been thinking of going to the gym today and tomorrow but it’s not like I have been trying. That’s a confession I could make if my phone controlled my messages, but it doesn’t and hopefully no one will read this article to find out.

Enough talk, let me show you what I mean. Our Chivomengro staff members have given up their phones’ secrets.

“The fact I think it’s time for me and I don’t think that it was not immediately available to all of them in my head and a great way for me and I don’t think that it was not immediately available to all of them in my head hurts so bad I can’t believe that this was my favorite thing about being in my head and a great way of saying it would mean so so happy to see my tweets and a half hours and I’m still not sure what I was a great way to keep up!”

This delicately, hand-crafted sentence offers a very obscure amount of repetition and a feeling that conversation is going nowhere. Somehow, we start with a sentence saying, “it’s time for me,” and end up at this person being happy to see their tweets, which is quite suspicious. Maybe this person has been thinking of opening a secret propaganda Twitter account. Maybe they’re a Russian operative and their phone is catching on. Unfortunately, I am not working for Russia, so I probably wouldn’t know. All I know is that something’s up for the next few days, so I can get a ride to the store to avoid the mishap. Enough talk about operatives, let’s see the next one.

“i love you so much and you can make me a happy birthday to my god bless you and thank you for the follow love you so much and you can w the same room as the other one of the most beautiful things that could be used to be a gift card to the other side of the room and the other side door and then the left side of the door and the door is that the door is open to door and the room ok nice to see you soon as well as soon as you can get it back to work at the end and then you can get a lot of money”

A very clever plan seems to be in place for this person as they mention that they love someone in the beginning, but are wanting to make a “happy birthday” and somehow end up at, “then you can get a lot of money.” This is quite vague at first glance, but it appears their intentions are clear: they need a gift card to break into a very important person’s room and leave a large amount of money for them. I really hope I’m that person because the following is a good idea for us, but if not then I’ll have to check out. It seems there might be some conspiracy happening in Chivomengro. The only way to confirm this is to do more research.

“I will be there at the same time I don’t have to go out and yelling the gym with a yoint to get a ride home with the flu so I’m going in to the store to buy the car is in a lot harder than it is bud and get back with me and my wife would work best”

Obviously, someone in Chivomengro has a secret wife that we did not know about. This is slightly concerning as it is becoming more apparent that people in Chivomengro are leading double, secret-agent lives. One more quote might confirm this.

“I can’t wait to make a decision for the both of us aren’t living here for the summer dude you guys just end up sitting at the gym between classes are awful to work on the way I’ll pay ya know when you have the time to work out of the day”

Again, the gym is mentioned. Seems like there is something going down. The master plan might be that one Chivomengro member will break into the gym with a gift card to leave a lot of money where later on one member will yell to make a distraction while simultaneously getting the flu so another person can quickly come in with his buddies to grab the cash and run. Well shoot, if I’m right I imagine I’ll be fired… or worse: expelled.

Thank you for reading this article. As you may have seen, some of these sentences don’t make sense. Some or all of this article may have been written by a phone. Who knows? I surely don’t.